Is it possible no DB tool can save my marriage?

[Accuray]

Hi CaughtOffGuard,

WRT DB not working, it won't while OM is in the picture, IMO. Your W's needs are being met elsewhere, and she is intoxicated (literally) with the "in love" feeling. My sitch was the same, although I didn't know about OM. Nothing I did helped -- nothing. That's because there was nothing I could provide my W that she wasn't getting from OM. All I did was make her feel guilty and bad by my mere presence (since I didn't know, I wasn't actively making her feel guilty!)

From my perspective, all you can do is "maintain" and tread water until OM is gone -- and do your best not to make things worse. Those are the arguments in favor "confront".

Question 1: If the status quo is driving you nuts, and you'll feel better with things in the open, then confront FOR YOU. I would try to do it when the two of you have some uninterrupted time with no reason to go somewhere else -- i.e. 9:00 at night on a work night.

Question 2: Don't ask questions, just tell her you know. Don't ask for a confession. Explain that you know what's going on and you're not looking to debate. If she asks how you know, don't get into it, explain that it's not important and then move the conversation forward. Then normalize it -- explain that you understand how these things happen, we're all human, and it's normal to be flattered by the attentions of someone new. You need to make her feel that you "get it", and that this is a shared problem that's been created in your marriage that you're both responsible for. It's not something "she did to you". If you can explain how your shortcomings made her feel the way she does, etc. This is not to say that you should agree that the affair is OK, it's not ok, and you should never say it is. You can understand, but you don't condone. You don't need to point that out, just in your choice of words, don't cross the line to saying that it was acceptable. The goal of this conversation is to leave her with the feeling that you got to this place together, because of what both of you have done, not just her. Then, you want to let her know that you want to work with her to put things right (versus her having to straighten herself out). You are willing to do the work. She can choose to do the work or not, that's up to her, but to you, the marriage is worth fighting for and you are going to do what it takes.

Question 3: She will not approach you, you can forget that. The only way she's going to approach you is if she's motivated to put things right. Since she wants separation, she is motivated to move on, therefore she will never come to you on this. After my W and I reconciled, I asked her if she would have ever told me about the EA if we had gone through with the D. She said "no", if we were to divorce, it wouldn't seem relevant (?). She said that if the situation were reversed, she would view the details of my A as being between me and the other person, and she would only worry about the issues between the two of us. I can't identify with that at all, but maybe it gives you a lens on the other side. It would certainly be helpful to have the "wayward spouse" forum where we could read the thought process on the other side. Maybe someone who's been a wayward spouse can chime in.

What's so hard about giving "web advice" is that I don't know your W, or the history of your M beyond what you've written. If there have been control issues, your confrontation may be perceived as yet another attempt to control and could push things horribly wrong. If she is head over heels with OM and believes there is a long term future there, your confrontation may push her out the door. You have to gauge these risks and no one here can help you with that. It's high stakes.

All I can tell you is that if your current situation is untenable, meaning it's eating you away knowing that OM is there and she's leading this secret life with you in the dark, then decide if things will be better FOR YOU if you turn the light on. It will certainly change things. Map out the potential responses that W will take and map them out -- how will you feel about each outcome, and what will you do about it? Think of it like a chess game. When you figure out the worst possible outcome, ask if that's better or equal to what you're living with now. If so, you've got nothing to lose. In any case, I would think about the second (and third) step after your confrontation. To some degree you have the advantage of surprise here, so you can plan for confrontation.

Note that a common knee-jerk reaction is to right away ask for D when confronted. Prepare for that. Know that if she asks, that does not mean that papers will show up tomorrow, you still have time to DB, and she probably didn't mean it, it's a natural place to go.

Good luck! Let us know what you decide

Accuray