Originally Posted By: ssmguy
Originally Posted By: greenblue90
.....How would she feel if you and the guys went to a strip club? How about alone?

No problem. Already done that, no problem, as long as I don't insist on dragging her along. She made an exception for some of the more classic topless shows in Las Vegas and enjoyed it. I've taken her to some male strip shows, and she got a kick out of that.
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How about if you got it outside the marriage with no strings attached?

She's made comments indicating she's kind of assuming I might have done such things, but doesn't want any details if there are any.
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I only ask this because I am curious as to how much she is willing to tolerate to avoid actually fulfilling your needs. Are her scars so deep that she would allow what many find to be intolerable?

She's never been a particularly jealous person in this regard. Perhaps because she sees sex as for me as being unrelated to love? Who knows? She does know that I've always given her attention and respect no matter what other women are around (friends and colleagues and such.. never been a problem).
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What's the limit of her fears? How much would she tolerate, before getting the help she needs. (it doesn't have to be professional, it could just be a personal commitment to work on herself).

She's already had extensive help for her issues. It's improved our marriage quite a lot, but still not sexually.
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The other thing is does your W understand the difference between wanting Sex and wanting HER?

Yes, she knows I want her, and not just sex. Like a lot of women, she wants the love, but not the sex.
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Get yourself some counseling, work on your issues this may get her to work on hers. Even if she never gets IC seeing her work on your problems may get her to finally objectively look at her own.

We've both already had both couples and individual counseling, both psychotherapy, and sex therapy. As I said, it's helped, but not sexually.
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Work on making her feel better about herself, make her feel confident.

That's what I've been doing.
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Get her to enjoy physical comfort, a slightly deeper kiss, a lingering hug, help her equate physical contact with love. Your goal shouldn't be to get her in bed, your immediate goal should be a deep make out session. Can you get her to this? Maybe a hug from behind when she doesn't expect it. Can you get her to feel comfortable sitting on your lap. Maybe if you do all this without it leading to sex, she can see the physical touch as love not you being a perv.

Pretty much what I've been doing for the last 5 years. She doesn't want the kiss to be too intimate, however. And prefers the hug not to be lingering. I have NO goals of getting her into bed for sex at all at this point, and she knows that. A deep makeout session is completely out of the question, she does not permit it. Way to close to sex as she sees it. A hug from behind would feel too much like a sneak attack, that much I know. Sitting in lap...way too close to being sexual -- she might allow it for a moment, but then she'd have something else she just remembered she had to take care of.


First, I must ask, if the two of you were in sex therapy and that did not result in a resumption of sex, what parting advice or comments did the sex therapist have for you? I find it surprising that the sex therapy didn't result in a resumption of sex, unless the therapy was so uncomfortable that the two of you just stopped it.

I would also comment that if you wife assumes that you may have had affairs, but doesn't want the details, that could be a major issue in this day and age!

Let me be specific. If I thought that my wife had had an affair, I would not have unprotected sex with her until a few months after we had both been tested for STD's. I mean this could be a for the rest of your life or even a life or death situation with the current crop of STD's that are out there.

If you ever have had an affair, even if you practices safe sex, you probably should get yourself tested, just to make sure you have no STD's. Have you ever asked your wife what fears she has if the two of you ever became sexually active again?

One of the things about wanting love and having sex is that many people want the feelings of close bonding associated with the release of oxytocin that happens after intense touching and after orgasm. Oxytocin is sometimes called the love or cuddling hormone. It is something that human beings want/need and results in a deep mental/physical bonding.

As to some close physical types of intimacy being too close to sex for your wife. I understand that as I have been there. I do applaud your giving her space and working at making her feel loved. As you say, I am sure it has helped in other areas.

I do find and Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight explains why that physical touch is a basic human need. There are many times that my wife desires to be touched (but not have sex) in ways that she can handle. Often times, it is during or after these touching sessions that she becomes aroused and wants sex.

When I was in an SSM and we were at a motel on a business trip of mine and a mini-vacation for her, I gave her a foot massage and after it was over she bolted to the bathroom and took a long shower with the door locked. Later in therapy, I learned that she had become aroused to the point of wanting to have sex with me, but was still too angry to allow herself to do that and so she literally had to run for cover and lock herself in another room away from me until the feelings left her.

My suggestion is to in your giving your wife affection to include whatever physical touch she will allow as she needs that and it may cause her to want more. Should she want more, I would not initiate sex, instead, I would tell her that you want to start therapy with her so that the two of you can build a solid bridge prior to prior re-initiating sex.

I want to stress that I am not trying to suggest that you create in your mind "contracts" where you do things and you expect your wife to respond, I am instead trying to suggest changing the dynamic in your relationship and if you get a positive outcome, reinforce it in a way that outcome, but don't expect it nor force it.

Good luck to you.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.