W is moving out.....life goes on...

[25yearsmlc]

Damn that FB. Ok, I am having a dilemma. Actually, it's not so much a dilemma -- but I wanted to see what you guys had to say. I have never so much as tried to look up OW. I didn't want to know anything about her. I don't ask, and so far all I had heard was something incidental from my boss about her being tall, atheletic and blonde. That was enough, didn't want any more. Well tonight I end up seeing accidentally a pic of her through a mutual friend on that stupid FB. The first person I thought was her was quite attractive and i was....wow.... I certainly can understand the attraction. Then i clicked on the pic and NO--- the, well, not so attractive person in the pic is actually OW. Yes, tall - yes blonde. But...not very attractive.

Now, like I said, it was totally accidental -- but I can't get his woman out of my head. it's like a real WTF moment. I'm no Angelina Jolie for heaven's sake, but I honestly believe I'm more attractive than OW. *for the record, my boss had told me this in so many words, but i thought...she was being kind..... So should this make me feel better or worse? You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know the DB answer is 'it doesn't matter --it's all about you, etc.. etc.... " Yes, I know. But really???? I did not need to see that W is out with someone who really is beneath her.....educationally, physically, etc......

I'm griping. Someone can bring out the 2X4 anytime but REALLY?????? This is the OW????????? If it weren't so f'in sad i would want to LOL @ W's taste.

Sorry, I'm hurt, angry and really having a hard time tonight. I'm getting my helmet. BRB.

OMG Mary, I want to shake you...b/c THIS IS GREAT NEWS that I LOVE READING EVERY TIME...seriously....

okay on one hand you can feel miserable and wallow b/c it's like saying

"good grief w, you left ME for THAT?? How much uglier/stupider/nastier must I be, than I realized, for you to pick that Gollum creature over ME??"

I get that. But consider two things, 1) this proves it ain't all about YOU!

If it were all about you, she'd want either to be with the total opposite of someone with your flaws OR, she'd be "moving UP"

SIDENOTE one of my brothers ASSUMED HE would date UP in looks and money when he divorced my beautiful Andy Mcdowell sil. My brother was/is enormous and not that handsome. And a fool.

He had gotten a political job and thought he was the Be all End all...Washington's version of celebrity...but the job ended!! Like they all do w/a new adminstration!

In the end, he married someone much less beautiful and fun than first w.

Don't get me wrong, I love my "new" sil too, and She is still a kind loving woman but we all know he did NOT improve with his 2nd wife at all.

But what my brother wanted, truly, was someone with lower expectations than his first w had. Though 1w's expectations were totally reasonable (like wanting to share parenting, or DO something on a Sunday other than read the paper ALL day) he prefers a woman who is lonely enough to be grateful for his company...so his first w and he,

were not a good match in terms of activity levels and outlook on life.

btw--SHE (ex sil) is much happier than she would have been w/my brother. She remarried an active handsome man who puts the m on top of his priority list...which my brother would/could never do. So there.


2) Mary, Would you REALLY prefer the following scenario? I mean, would THIS make you feel "better" about YOU or the situation?

Scenario-

Your w meets a Catherine Zeta Jones type, (or HER personal fav Hollywood looker) and

OW/Catherine ZJ falls madly in love with your w, and CZJ is a well known "expert" in her field, w/a PhD from Yale. Oh, and she's a Rhodes scholar, who also plays in the Boston symphony b/c btw, she's a musical prodigy, and loves to model on the side due to her insanely sexy good looks.

Needless to say she earns high 7 figures and she LOVES to spend it on your w...she also is a skilled dancer and works out and skiis and (whatever else your w loves) AND she LOVES to travel, - which makes their effortless connection incredibly convenient. It's like they don't need to learn foreign languages either!!

If that^^ happened, then what?


You think we'd pat you on the back and say "Gee, next time Mary, aim lower"...?

Instead, this "regular chick" affair makes more sense as it's what most WASs do, and it bodes better for you.

It means it is about how your w feels when with OW, not OW's qualities or your flaws (unless you were really critical)...

And, if it were actually Catherine Zeta Jones as OW, would you really bother trying hard to get her back? (I wouldn't. But I might want to sue!! )

Wouldn't you just pack it in and Keep the R with s4 going, and move on?

I say, be careful what you wish for, and figure out what it is about plain OW that makes your w feel so special.

IF it is all about w getting bored and wanting more attention, like a 13 y/o girl w/ADD AND like any r can get after 13 years [i]without cultivation, then she'll discover that in time

and you will have learned the opposite lesson, and you will be somewhere very different down the road.[/i]

But If --you already know a lot of the reasons for your w's feelings and what your role was then Those are the changes you are working on.

So Keep doing them.

Keep making the changes you are making to be a more expressive loving shocked Mary...and that's it. Poof! Do that math!

**btw, imo, I would NOT ask her anything about her weekends or time with OW.

It's pursuit AND self inflicted pain. I can't imagine her telling you anything you'd want to know...

I mean if they broke up, and IF she'd tell you,

then you would not have to ask her b/c she would volunteer info like that.

So, don't ask.

And carry on. remember that this is the formula so do the math

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in


and then she'll have to trust that the changes won't revert if you guys reconcile.

AND THEN you two will have to address some other things...cross that bridge when you get to it.

((( )))