Well, Gritter, as crude as it may be, it truly stands as yet another example of the circle of life...
Last night, after I posted, my W called me. For some reason, just hearing the phone and seeing that it was her caused me to become really nervous. My hands were shaking, and my heart was beating quickly. Because of this fact, I held back on answering the phone. It rang twice. Just as I was about to pick it up, she hung up, turning it into a "missed call." It was about 9 o'clock here, so it was about midnight her time. I'm rather glad that I failed to pick up.
Usually, I send a text or something to see what's up. Not this time. She didn't leave a voicemail or make a follow-up text, so I left it alone. It's been 24 hours and I have not heard from her in any form. What could have spurred her to call me? My guess: troubles with OM. Why else would she be calling me at midnight her time? In any case, he's her problem now. Sorry, Charlie.
Tomorrow, I'll be going out with some of the folks at work to celebrate someone's last day at our branch. We'll be eating at Olive Garden, partaking of the Endless Pasta deal. It may not be a huge GAL activity, but hey -- any GAL-ing is better than none. Also, I downloaded Groupon and LivingSocial to my phone, so I'll be on the hunt for social activities. Should be good fun.
On Saturday, I accidentally left my phone at work after we locked up. I put out a public announcement on Facebook that told everyone that this had happened and that I would not be getting back to anyone until Monday. When Monday came around, I found that I had a missed call as well as two texts from my W. All three took place on Saturday.
First, she tried to call. Then she texted, "Okay, now I get the feeling that you're avoiding me. Not really sure why but whatever. Can you please call me when you get a chance?" The second text read, "Just read your status on FB. Sorry I said that you were avoiding me..."
Two things about this. One, even if I did have my phone with me, I probably wouldn't have picked up because I HAVE been avoiding her. Reading her message made me think that ALWAYS not answering the phone when she calls is probably not the best idea. Thinking about it, it just seems vindictive, as well as cowardly. I want to show her that she doesn't have me on a string, but I don't want to completely shut her out. If I don't like how the conversation goes, I can leave it. And I'll be clear that I don't want to talk about OM.
Two, I'm really surprised at how deluded she can be. Does she REALLY have no idea why I might be avoiding her? Can she think of nothing? Through these last three months, it has amazed me how easily it escapes her that what she's doing is hurting me. She has not once apologized or expressed any kind of tact since the very beginning. Either she truly can't see the truth, or she just chooses not to.
Anyway, I texted her back today and found that she had wanted to talk about coming to visit in a couple of weeks. I knew about this already: she was coming down to visit her parents, and she wanted to see our pet rabbit who is in my custody. I told her that it would be okay and for her to just give me a call when she was in town. She said (interesting wording) "Okay, I will give you a call then." (Rather than just "okay." She had to explain WHEN she would call me. I don't know...just sounds funny to me.)
When I step back, I am still intrigued by the notion that she is still trying to call me. She could have told me everything on Saturday with a simple text just like she did today, with no need for me to reply. "I am coming down in a couple of weeks, I want to see the rabbit, here's the info, blah blah blah." If she really wants nothing to do with me, why is she so dead-set on talking to me over the phone? And why does she sound so upset that I'm "avoiding her" when she's the one who left?
My guess is that she's frustrated because she wants to get status checks on me. She wants to gauge how and what I'm doing, and it's hard to do that without hearing my voice or going into an expanded conversation about my recent activity. As for her dropping by in a couple of weeks, I'm a little nervous. I haven't seen her since she left over three months ago. I'm going to work really hard at playing it cool and being myself. Whether we do anything else or visit longer than it takes her to see the rabbit is completely up to her, not me. Otherwise, I'll just do my own thing that weekend.
I also have to mention that the day after my W goes back will be the six-month anniversary of the day that we first met. I do not plan on contacting her on this day. Nor do I plan on contacting her in the weeks leading up to her arrival. We'll see how it all plays out.
You are right she is wanting status checks, checking ur FB, texting.....
Now I won't tell you what to do b/c that is up to you so this is just my personal take.
But I think your W very much views you as her savior
Any time a problem pops up in her A or her life, you are there, could be anything. Just knowing she can get a hold of you is keeping her going.
IMO I think you should go dark, now I mean really dark, how far is up to you.
I have gone as far as changing my cell number and email to prevent contact
My WW knows there is a path home, but while OM is there, I can no longer be apart of that.
What led to that? Something very similar to your situation....
Her constantly contacting me like clockwork, we would talk, meet up and she would just unload her problems.
Now this may not be totally DB, regardless its something to consider.
I think if you were to go totally dark.......this A.....might break itself up in a matter of months
She has told you about all the problems with OM that is a huge hint and she keeps on contacting you b/c OM can't deal with everything in her life......
You two are separated...there are no children........I think a big dose of reality might be a wake up call for her.
And I wouldn't necessarily look at not answering her calls or texts as vindictive or cowardly, satisfying her every whim is not your job.......remember who left who.
Throw this back on her some......maybe even after she leaves and it was a good experience.........wait for her to contact you......and just simply say " you know this past weekend gave me a lot to think about, I would like some space right now, talk to you later."
That will drive her crazy and make her wonder......what is up......I thought things went well.....
That is what we want.....make the old wheels start turning in her head.
Make sure you are looking darn good when you two meet up, be all dressed up, even if you have no where to go act as if you do. When she asks and she will.....just out with friends......that's it and change the subject by asking her a question.
Me:29 WW:26 No kids 2 dogs T: 11 M: 2 D-day 1: 08/2010 D-day 2: 05/2011 1 POSOM Separated: 06/2011 WW ILY commits to M 9/18 Files D 9/19 ILY Still 9/21 WW are fun
I was just about to agree fullheartedly with you, Finah. I turned your words over in my head all day, and I was about to reply that I was getting ready to go pretty dark. Now I'm not so sure...
Basically, my W called me. This time, I picked up the phone. She was clearly calling to see what was going on. Eventually, I told her that I wanted to stick to the space thing. She sounded like she was crying when I told her this, but then tears very quickly turned into rage.
She told me that she didn't understand why I went from talking to her every once in a while to not talking to her at all. I told her that this space was something that I needed. She accused me of making things all about what I wanted, "just like" I did in our R, and that she wasn't going to "let me" make things all about me after we were getting divorced, either. (She did make it clear this time that she wants a D.) She said that I need to start giving her what SHE needs, which is for me to check in with her every now and again. (She did a lot of West-bashing in this conversation.) She threatened me indirectly by mentioning that she was "being nice" to me in both the S and the D, and that she's "been nice" by allowing us to share my auto loan, which she "could drop at any time."
She asked how long the "space" thing was going to go on, and I said that it was going to go on as long as she was in an R with another man. She replied, "So you're just never going to talk to me ever again?" I replied that I didn't know what the future would hold, but that this is what I needed for the time being.
To explain to her why I needed the distance, I told her that I didn't think she realized how much "being around" her R with OM was hurting me. She expressed exasperation at this. She said that she understands that I feel "hurt and depressed" about this, and she said that she was "sorry" that I was blindsided by OM, but that I "should have seen it coming."
She also explained that OM "changed overnight" when she said that he needed to turn his crap around or she would kick him out. She now says that this is the best R she has ever had and that she is planning on marrying him by next year. She told me, basically, that I need to really start dating other women. She also said that I need to let go and "learn from this."
I said that I was confused as to why she wants so badly to keep in touch with me when she feels the way she does about OM. She said that she still cares about me and wants to know how I'm doing; that her caring about me isn't going to change even if she's in an R with another man. And she also wants to know how our pet rabbit is doing.
When she realized that I wasn't going to be much fun to talk to, she said, "Well, I guess I'm going to go since you need your space so much."
I would really appreciate any input on this. When I look back, it seems like a lot of what she said might have been pumped up because she was angry at me (she later denied being angry or upset, just "irritated" -- yeah, right). I'm also seeing this as a testing of boundaries -- she wants to see if it's real.
But now I don't know what to do. Is OM really this magical, wonderful person all of a sudden? Is my W really on the road to dropping me like a stone? Did I do the right thing during this conversation? Also, I'm concerned about how she has inadvertently blackmailed me with the stuff about the loan and the D. I would really like to have some space from her, but I'm worried that my distance will inspire her to do something nasty. A therapist of hers once said that she has elements of borderline personality disorder -- I'm beginning to feel very much the same way.
Wow she had an earful for you, I probably would have hung up, so kudos for riding that wave.
I still think darkness is the best thing for you.
She is telling you everything you need to know.......OM changing overnight? Yeah right, don't buy that for a second.
This is the best R she has ever had?
Again a lie.
If all this was true West, she would not utter a word to you and divoce you b4 you could say anything.
She still needs you in her life.
The pet rabbit.......please.......
She is stringing you along.........cake eating at it's finest
Have you written any last restort type letter?
Maybe that is something you should be thinking about
And then go dark
And stand back and watch this whole A just crumble.
Me:29 WW:26 No kids 2 dogs T: 11 M: 2 D-day 1: 08/2010 D-day 2: 05/2011 1 POSOM Separated: 06/2011 WW ILY commits to M 9/18 Files D 9/19 ILY Still 9/21 WW are fun
What's slowly becoming apparent is that going full-dark is what's working best for me. Since laying off the communication with her, I have felt so much better about myself and have been able to detach from my emotions about her. This incident last night only reinforced in my mind that distance is what I need, not just what I want. I'm not here to satisfy her needs anymore. She left me, after all. What does she expect?
I have puzzled over what her "still cares about me" comment means. Clearly, her entire conversation last night translated to this: "I still need you in my life, and I'm upset that you're trying to cut me out." What does she need me for, exactly? A good friend? Emotional support? Is she just power-hungry and doesn't like that I'm not giving her what she wants? Unfortunately, only the inner folds of her mind have the answer to that one.
I'm going to go to my bank tomorrow and ask some questions about that auto loan. I don't think that she can do anything about it -- you can't just "drop" an auto loan. I'm also going to see if I'm able to bump her off and somehow co-sign with my dad. I'd rather have as little to be connected to her at this point as possible. When she has been upset in the past, she has also threatened to tell my family some damaging things that I have confided with her about them (which I won't go into here -- private stuff). I don't really think that she would ever do this, but these days, it's hard to know what she will or won't do.
Finah:
I think darkness is the best thing for me, too. If only to get away from her steaming towers of nonsense and hurt. Honestly, I'm literally appalled at how selfish and deluded she's being. Any rational person would understand the position I'm in and how much all of this hurts. However, I've learned all too quickly that I'm no longer dealing with a person who dwells in reality.
I was thinking about the reality of her words about OM, too. Are they real, or has she settled back into "the fog"? Is she just trying to throw out lies to make me "give up" on my darkness? If OM was really everything she needed, then why make all the fuss about keeping me in her life? It's hard not to take her seriously at this point. I know that people on the board often say, "Believe none of what you hear," but...what if it's true? Is she really planning on marrying this guy? It would absolutely break my heart if she is. She's acting like a rampaging wench right now, but blast it, I'm still crazy about her.
I also laughed at the "rabbit status" comment. How much is there to be known about him? He's getting fed and I'm letting him run around for an hour a night. Not that much to update. Honestly, if she wants the rabbit so badly, she can take him. (Then again, I don't think that comment really concerned him all that much. Probably had more to do with me and her.)
I'm thinking very hard about writing a last resort letter/e-mail. I don't really want to talk to her given how nasty she can be, and I've always been better at organizing my thoughts on paper, anyway. She kept trying to maintain last night that I was going dark because I was "angry" and "depressed," as though it was some kind of revenge thing. She just does not get that this distance is to protect my feelings. Nor does she believe that I'm entitled to it.
Your W is acting like an immature kid at a candy store when mommy or daddy doesn't buy them every single piece of candy they want.
Flat out.
If it were me.
I'd remove myself from the equation at this stage.
Let her deal w/ her life and her choices and her perfect OM.
You focus on you and GAL.
Once you start to show her that you are serious about what you say.........
I think she will slowly start coming around
Me:29 WW:26 No kids 2 dogs T: 11 M: 2 D-day 1: 08/2010 D-day 2: 05/2011 1 POSOM Separated: 06/2011 WW ILY commits to M 9/18 Files D 9/19 ILY Still 9/21 WW are fun
I'm with you, Finah. I was driving home, and I suddenly began getting really angry when I realized the truth of the situation: she left me for another man, yet she basically schooled me last night about how she still has rights over me. Puh-leeze! She's the one who left. She should know that she no longer has a hold on me. Nor should she have one.
For the last hour, I also analyzed the conversation and found multiple things that really demonstrate that she's still not participating in reality. One biggie that I suddenly remembered is the matter of our money. When we got ready to move, we had $5K saved up in the bank from her job at the factory. After the big separation was announced, we were planning to split that money 50-50. Then she changed that to her getting $4k and me just getting $1K. I did not protest that because at the time, I thought that she was going to live by herself, and her pay is much lower than mine. (After I found out that OM was going to live with her, I should have demanded more money, but I just wasn't in a place to deal with it then.)
Last night, she flipped it around, making it sound as though all of that $5K was hers and that she graciously gave me $1K even though she didn't have to. Let me just say this....she seems to forget whose paychecks were paying ALL of our bills while she was amassing this money in savings. Yet another crazy WAW, folks...
Not gonna lie, I felt really crappy all day. I felt for weeks before this that I was getting detached from her, but this last conversation and my subsequent emotional reaction suggests that I'm far from where I need to be. Need to work more on that, it seems. It's just that I try thinking about living my life with someone else, and I just can't. I really committed to her for life, you know? I thought I found my one.
On an interesting note, I found today that my W had unfriended me from FB. She also took off her R status, which used to say "Separated". Not too upset about that. I'm actually relieved. The more space she gives me, the better.
I'm still pondering the LR letter. At this point, I think it would just be better if I didn't answer my phone or texts. My absence will speak for me better than my words ever can. And I'm also beginning to accept the fact that no matter what I say or how I try to reason with her, she will always make me out to be the bad guy no matter what.
