How would she feel if you actively watched hardcore stuff online?
Wouldn't particularly care one way or the other as long as I don't insist that she watch stuff with me.
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How would she feel if you and the guys went to a strip club? How about alone?
No problem. Already done that, no problem, as long as I don't insist on dragging her along. She made an exception for some of the more classic topless shows in Las Vegas and enjoyed it. I've taken her to some male strip shows, and she got a kick out of that.
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How about if you got it outside the marriage with no strings attached?
She's made comments indicating she's kind of assuming I might have done such things, but doesn't want any details if there are any.
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I only ask this because I am curious as to how much she is willing to tolerate to avoid actually fulfilling your needs. Are her scars so deep that she would allow what many find to be intolerable?
She's never been a particularly jealous person in this regard. Perhaps because she sees sex as for me as being unrelated to love? Who knows? She does know that I've always given her attention and respect no matter what other women are around (friends and colleagues and such.. never been a problem).
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What's the limit of her fears? How much would she tolerate, before getting the help she needs. (it doesn't have to be professional, it could just be a personal commitment to work on herself).
She's already had extensive help for her issues. It's improved our marriage quite a lot, but still not sexually.
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The other thing is does your W understand the difference between wanting Sex and wanting HER?
Yes, she knows I want her, and not just sex. Like a lot of women, she wants the love, but not the sex.
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Get yourself some counseling, work on your issues this may get her to work on hers. Even if she never gets IC seeing her work on your problems may get her to finally objectively look at her own.
We've both already had both couples and individual counseling, both psychotherapy, and sex therapy. As I said, it's helped, but not sexually.
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Work on making her feel better about herself, make her feel confident.
That's what I've been doing.
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Get her to enjoy physical comfort, a slightly deeper kiss, a lingering hug, help her equate physical contact with love. Your goal shouldn't be to get her in bed, your immediate goal should be a deep make out session. Can you get her to this? Maybe a hug from behind when she doesn't expect it. Can you get her to feel comfortable sitting on your lap. Maybe if you do all this without it leading to sex, she can see the physical touch as love not you being a perv.
Pretty much what I've been doing for the last 5 years. She doesn't want the kiss to be too intimate, however. And prefers the hug not to be lingering. I have NO goals of getting her into bed for sex at all at this point, and she knows that. A deep makeout session is completely out of the question, she does not permit it. Way to close to sex as she sees it. A hug from behind would feel too much like a sneak attack, that much I know. Sitting in lap...way too close to being sexual -- she might allow it for a moment, but then she'd have something else she just remembered she had to take care of.
