I was just about to agree fullheartedly with you, Finah. I turned your words over in my head all day, and I was about to reply that I was getting ready to go pretty dark. Now I'm not so sure...
Basically, my W called me. This time, I picked up the phone. She was clearly calling to see what was going on. Eventually, I told her that I wanted to stick to the space thing. She sounded like she was crying when I told her this, but then tears very quickly turned into rage.
She told me that she didn't understand why I went from talking to her every once in a while to not talking to her at all. I told her that this space was something that I needed. She accused me of making things all about what I wanted, "just like" I did in our R, and that she wasn't going to "let me" make things all about me after we were getting divorced, either. (She did make it clear this time that she wants a D.) She said that I need to start giving her what SHE needs, which is for me to check in with her every now and again. (She did a lot of West-bashing in this conversation.) She threatened me indirectly by mentioning that she was "being nice" to me in both the S and the D, and that she's "been nice" by allowing us to share my auto loan, which she "could drop at any time."
She asked how long the "space" thing was going to go on, and I said that it was going to go on as long as she was in an R with another man. She replied, "So you're just never going to talk to me ever again?" I replied that I didn't know what the future would hold, but that this is what I needed for the time being.
To explain to her why I needed the distance, I told her that I didn't think she realized how much "being around" her R with OM was hurting me. She expressed exasperation at this. She said that she understands that I feel "hurt and depressed" about this, and she said that she was "sorry" that I was blindsided by OM, but that I "should have seen it coming."
She also explained that OM "changed overnight" when she said that he needed to turn his crap around or she would kick him out. She now says that this is the best R she has ever had and that she is planning on marrying him by next year. She told me, basically, that I need to really start dating other women. She also said that I need to let go and "learn from this."
I said that I was confused as to why she wants so badly to keep in touch with me when she feels the way she does about OM. She said that she still cares about me and wants to know how I'm doing; that her caring about me isn't going to change even if she's in an R with another man. And she also wants to know how our pet rabbit is doing.
When she realized that I wasn't going to be much fun to talk to, she said, "Well, I guess I'm going to go since you need your space so much."
I would really appreciate any input on this. When I look back, it seems like a lot of what she said might have been pumped up because she was angry at me (she later denied being angry or upset, just "irritated" -- yeah, right). I'm also seeing this as a testing of boundaries -- she wants to see if it's real.
But now I don't know what to do. Is OM really this magical, wonderful person all of a sudden? Is my W really on the road to dropping me like a stone? Did I do the right thing during this conversation? Also, I'm concerned about how she has inadvertently blackmailed me with the stuff about the loan and the D. I would really like to have some space from her, but I'm worried that my distance will inspire her to do something nasty. A therapist of hers once said that she has elements of borderline personality disorder -- I'm beginning to feel very much the same way.
