Treading water - time and patience

[Accuray]

Hi NYCPeter,

I would definitely talk to a lawyer, how you respond to this will be important. The consultation is usually free. So sorry it has come to this. Like everyone else my advice would be to move back in. You'll have more leverage, you'll have your daughters, you'll have a place to live, you'll have more opportunity to DB, etc. If you move out, you have limited access to kids and no place to live, increased expenses, etc.

If you move back in and she does file, that's still OK, the divorce process can take a year or more, so there is still time. Filing is not the finish line, it's the start of a brutal marathon, but you can use that time to continue to DB.

--Accuray

[NYCPeter]

Well the visit went reasonably well. I may have slipped a couple of times, but I tried my best not to.

I fed my D9 and spent time reading with my D6.
I put my D9 to bed before leaving as she usually cries for my W if my W leaves her bedroom before she falls asleep.

W and I went for a long walk with the dog (MIL was with the girls).
I keep going between her having an OM and a WAS and I feel everything she said leans towards the latter.

I apologized for walking out on Sat, but felt it was a big surprise after the way things had been for the last few weeks. She apologized for doing it on our anniversary, but things may have been good for me over the last few weeks but not her. I asked her if any of my recent behavior had caused her to ask for a seperation and she mentioned two incidents

1. My D6 was acting up one day while we were all waiting to go a country fair - she kept saying her hair wasn't right and she kept going back to the bathroom to fix it - I raised my voice a little and told her that she needed to get moving (good parenting IMO - my wife tends to let her act up).

2. My W was in my daughter's bedroom with the door shut and when I walked in she quickly put the phone down and acted a little jumpy. I asked her who she was on the phone with and she said a friend, I gave a sarcastic reply along the lines of "yeah, always on the phone to friends behind closed doors". Both incidents were the weekend before she asked for a seperation so I'm not sure how they are related.

She said the two incidents showed her I haven't really changed.

She said the problem is that she no longer loves me and she's been trying to get that feeling back but it's not coming back and she's tired of trying - she wants to move on (all of this of course frightens me). She keeps thinking of incidents in the past that have happened (my lack of being there for her and the girls) and she can't get over it.

She said she recognized I had changed and that if I behaved this way in the past we probably wouldn't be in this situation.

I asked her if there was anything else I could do - she said no, it's not me it's her. She said that when I am not around she's less stressful and more calm - when I'm there she feels stressed. I pointed out that I can't help that unless she tells me what I do that causes the stress - she says she doesn't know, just me being there.

She did mention that she "just wants to give up and move on", I told her that's her decision but said that M is a work in progress and if it's going to be successful we need to keep working at it. I told her I would not give up trying. That I feel it's important for us and the girls to have a happy stable environment for us to be in.

I told her I was coming home on Friday and that I was not going to move out again - she asked why if seperation would help. I said that I wanted to be with the girls and that financially it wasn't an option. I also told her that I didn't think seperating was going to help our M and would only drive us apart - I asked her if she seriously thought that seperating would help us get together long term, she admitted that she didn't think it would, but would be less streeful for her.

I said - so your fine with me moving back on Friday, she said yes, lets not do anything rash that we may regret.

One thing that made my day - W said D6 kept asking where I was and when I was coming home, W said she never did that in the past when I was on business trips and it shows things are different.

I got big hugs and kisses from the girls and a smile and a bye from the W - overall considering where I thought we would be going not bad, still concerned about tired of trying and wanting to stop.

[~ kd ~]

Good stuff, NYC...

I admit I was worried at the beginning of the convo...

Only because I hope you understand, all her (negative) comments are script...

What I feel went really well is committing to returning back to the home and that your W did not attempt to deny you back...

And... of course you remember, so I'm stating the obvious... whatever the reason she said she'd file if you moved back... she did not bring it up now...

Does not mean it was a bluff... it just means that is what she said, back when she said it...

Great job...!

[NYCPeter]

Thanks KD - I suspect that the script was provided by her C - who also suggested that we "seperate" - this may have been my W asking the C the best way to lead to a D - who knows.

As I've been told many times - stop mind reading.

[In_Shock]

those darn C's are not always our best friends.

Good job though for you. Keep it up and good LUCK!!!!!

[NYCPeter]

One more thing I just remembered, she mentioned she has been working on the marraige for years and has given up and that I've only been working on it for a few months.

For hecks sake - why not say something. I'm stupid and sometimes need to be told when I'm doing things that are wrong.

[Accuray]

Ugh, my W said the same thing to me -- "I was unhappy for years" -- why didn't you say anything??

"I figured since you weren't complaining it wasn't my place to ask you to change"

Grrrr

[~ kd ~]

I was just done writing a long verbiage on this... then deleted it...

because in the end... again... it really is just script... a justification of why they really either didn't have the courage to speak their mind or ask for what they wanted... or... they'd already decided they wanted out so they just want to point blame at the LBS... projection...

my W's statement was, "If you had only paid attention, you would have known I wasn't happy."

uhhh...

[Telemark]

I got the same speeches, Peter...

"I've been unhappy for years"
"I don't love you anymore"
"I want to move on"
"I need time and space to sort things out"

Truth is, they've been thinking about this for weeks, months, maybe even years...waiting for that one opportunity to execute the plan. With my W it was her reconnection with an old high school boyfriend on FB. Hundreds of secret phone calls, Skype sessions and text messages later, she dropped her bomb.

The incident with your W acting jumpy when you walked in on her phone call is, to me, a big red flag. I know you keep telling yourself there is no OM, but I'd stay vigilant.

Stay in your house, be as distant from her as you possibly can without looking like you're trying and devote everything you have to your kids. Do not try to reconcile, patch up or talk about your M for now. Your nerves are on edge, her nerves are on edge, and your kids will pick up on that (if they haven't already done so).

Get some kind of legal counsel but do not tell her you are doing that. If she does file for a D, when you receive the paperwork just tell her you will review it. Period.

Peter, I too was "living together but separated" for 5 months. During those 5 months I did everything wrong: tried to have R talks, snooped in her phone and e-mails, tried to guilt her into seeing the error of her ways...all it did was drive her out. Don't make the same mistakes I did.

[NYCPeter]

Agree the phone and being jumpy is a red flag, there are a number of red flags but at the end of the day I can't find anything concrete re: OM.

Over the next couple of days I will limit contact to calling my girls every night - if the W wants to chat that's fine otherwise I'll just talk to the girls.

Next hurdle will be moving back on Friday - she'll be at work by the time I get there and I'm going to sleep in the marital bed. It will be interesting to see if she joins me there or goes to sleep elsewhere.