Just an update.... Things have been going very well (for the most part) for more than 4 weeks now. I've made some incredible changes that I feel good about. I've come a long way over the last 5 months but particularly in the last one.
We are taking a small step forward and beginning to discuss what must change in our relationship in order for our reconciliation to work this time. In the past, when H has left me, he's always returned within a few weeks (usually 2) and we have gotten back together right away without working on the issues that caused us to split. This time, if we stay on task for moving back in together around the holidays (as we have set as a goal together), we will have been separated (living in different homes) 5-6 months, and it will be roughly 8 months post-bomb. This time apart has given us both a lot of space to think about what we have done wrong in our marriage the last 3 years, to miss one another and to value one another.
This step is proving to be a bit tricky. I shared some things with my husband today (in a very positive, non-accusatory or threatening way) about my deal-breaker for reconciling. In the past, we've gone through the same cycle. Things will be going great, and then he will start pulling away little by little. The "I love you's" and cuddling stop, and intimacy only comes when ML. When he starts pulling away, I start panicking and handle things completely irrational and WRONG. I start accusing and snooping and all the other things that push him farther away until he's out the door with divorce papers in his hand. So, my deal-breaker is that we come up with a way for him to communicate openly and honestly with me when something is wrong instead of pulling back and shutting down. I've committed to continue with my change of not losing my $h!t and getting panicky. Any suggestions for how we can do this and hold each other accountable are greatly appreciated.
I've asked H to share his deal-breaker(s) with me. He is a little nervous about this, saying he's "afraid it will make him look like an @-ho!e." I think in honesty, he's just afraid I'm going to revert to my old ways and fly off the handle. Hopefully, he will see little by little I'm past that and he will feel free to share with me.
The road ahead is still a long and bumpy one...my family has pretty much written H off and I have some animosity toward his family (feeling like they totally abandon me every time he does this; they always shut down all contact with me immediately, and that hurts). Also, I have made it clear to H that ow is to be out of the picture in all ways permanently. I am pretty confident that this is the case, but I still had to put it out there with him. Now, I'm letting that GO, once and for all. I'm sure there are many other things that will pop up in the near future, but hopefully, we can take these things one day at a time and work through them, rather than just sweeping them under the rug (as in the past).
