It can play out lots of ways. Forgive me if this is stinking thinking.. I'm just basing it off of actions. It all begins... I show up in my purple dress that I have been saving for this meeting. Hair done, make-up on. I look pretty. My w makes some comment about my physical appearance. She doesn't like the blonde or thinks I'm too skinny.. etc. She may even say I look nice - regardless it's just a dig at me.
We begin talking about our assets. Her demeanor is cold. She is very matter of fact. There is no hint that she ever loved me or cares about my feelings anymore.
When I mention that I am entitled to half, her anger rises. Our marital problems come to the foreground. Of course it's the same sh!t just now cloaked by the D. I wish that we could work it out.. if she's angry.. than I'm all ears, full of validation and empathy. Her response.. it doesn't matter now. We are over.
It takes two to work on these things. She has no desire to do that. She has made it clear in her actions and her words. She just doesn't want to deal with me.
As things get heated, I start backpeddling. My w, knowing how to manipulate the situation and me, says things to gain control of our conversation. Her top two things - That I am acting out of anger or that I don't care. The two things that cut me the most. Because she knows I struggle with my anger and that I love her very much. She knows the thought of hurting her breaks my heart. So I begin to believe these lies. Instead of growing angry or sticking up for myself, I grow fearful. Fear of pissing her off because in the past there are always consequences to my actions. I know that any step I take towards protecting myself leads me farther from w.
I panic and desperately try to stop this from happening. My w is gone, but I still have threads. I hold onto them desperately because I fear her never being in my life again.
As I am doing this, I fail to recognize in the moment that this is our cycle. Me.. trying to manipulate the situation because I know the consequences of my actions and thinking that I am not worth more. Using the excuse that I love her so much that I don't want to hurt her or screw her in anyway, when in actuality I am just hurting and screwing myself.
As the mediation comes to a close and I make it through as best I can.. it's over. My w and I will never talk again. There is nothing I can say or do to reassure her that I never wanted this. That just because I decided to protect and love myself did NOT mean I have ever stopped loving her. She will find any excuse to stay out of my life. From her own guilt, to making excuses that it's not fair to me. Unless God does some major work in her, this will be the end to our story.
How does that sound for fear??
Am heading out to clear my head a bit Aeo. I honestly don't know if I have answers to the other questions posed.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
