W is Pregnant!

[Psych77]

OK, for those of you who don't already know me, I am 44 (almost 45) years old, father of 5 kids, who is only just starting to get M back on track again. That means that W is just starting to kiss me on the lips sometimes, we are not constantly tense around each other, can laugh together once in a while and enjoy some casual things together.

On the other hand, we are not yet ready for any serious talk, especially R talk, ML is still fairly rare (but not completely out), and W still will not say ILY (no, I don't actually ask her, but there are times when she would have said it in the past, but doesn't now).

Well, the other night as we are going to bed, W turned on the light and said, "You know how I haven't been feeling well lately? Well, I found out why." That there's a statement you don't even have to get more specific with. She told me exactly what she meant, but she didn't have to. She has made almost that identical statement with 4 out of our 5 previous pregnancies.

Right now, my pants could supply a local brickyard. Our youngest is 7 years old, and this was the longest we had gone since M without a baby in the house. I kind of figured that this was probably "it." My whole way of thinking had switched gears, assuming that, as my oldest are now teenagers, the parenting thing (with young children) was starting to slacken, and I would be, I don't know working toward a more stable routine.

Surprise, I guess!

Mostly, I wish our M was a little more advanced in recovery. W had actually acclimated to the reality before she told me, and was now laughing at herself, at us. So that's a good thing. But I feel so anxious about all this, and it would really have helped if I felt like we had a little more solidarity at this point. After all, we are sort of in this together, right?

Maybe I'm just spoiled. But this is a huge challenge to any marriage, especially with me at 45 and her at 42.

I just wanted to vent for the moment. Will write more later.