Yes a beer get together would be good.. although it is only 11a here.
September has been an extremely rough month for me. I have cried probably more so this month than in April when I first separated. I have very much been grieving my w. 2 months since we have seen each other, almost 6 since we have really spoken. The death of my m has been very hard to accept this month.
I know God has given me this time to work through these feelings. It has almost 3 months since d-bomb (2 months since the hickey fight) and God has protected me thus far. There is much work I need to do on myself and I have been firm in my faith that he will not put something in front of me until he feels I am ready.
However it seems that its time now. My w, my pastor, and my schedule have opened up to have our first mediation meeting next week. This morning I was offered another job to start next week and I breathed a sigh of relief. But immediately it went away.. I guess God thinks I'm ready.
I plan on doing alot of posting here over the next couple of days. Hopefully I will answer alot of questions posed by Aeo, JS, and TM. My hope is that I can work through some of my demons before next week.. cause honestly I am scared sh!tless.
I don't feel strong enough. I don't feel ready. I suppose none of us ever do completely.
Having faith that I will be alright is hard for me. I'm used to taking care of things on my own, being strong enough to handle it on my own.
If there is anything I have learned throughout this process is that I can't. If I had tried, I would be having a nervous breakdown.
I never thought this separation would bring so much of my past and inner demons to the surface. At times it is too much to bare. At times it consumes my thoughts and stops me from working, enjoying life.
I have had many conversations with God recently saying "Really? All this had to happen so I could become a better Val? I mean couldn't you have just said "Hey.. it's time you deal with your sh!t. It's time you become the woman I've wanted you to be all along!". Did I have to lose my m, my w, do I have to accept my mom & sister being sick? Did all this pain need to be in my life.. so I could grow??".
The short answer is.. YES.
I'm reading "The Shack". I cry all the way through it. It reminds me that God does not use pain or evil to change people. he just allows it to happen.. so he can come in and show his unconditional love for us.
Enough rambling for now. I'm getting a little too spiritual for myself.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
