Hi Mary!

Nice to know someone's gaining something from my old threads!

The 180's I speak of came rather suddenly. The bomb of Aug '02 pretty much wiped anger out of my emotional repertoire.

Hearing what CJ had to say about how my sarcasm, anger, bitterness, controlling...how it had affected him...how I didn't seem aware or concerned about it (it's "just the way I am!").

It was just a HUGE humbling experience. This was all BEFORE I got my hands on DR.

Of course I HAD been an avid reader of self help books, spirituality books etc long before this. But the REALITY of how my behaviours affected the one person I cared most about really shook me out of my fog.

The Anger, Control, Sarcasm...all of it was based in FEAR, anxiety, perfectionism, selfishness (sort of a sense of entitlement...like if he loves me he'll love ALL of me...even the parts that are squashing him )

I KNEW about cognitive/behavioural therapy and the power of self talk. I dug into Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of NOW" to re-learn some meditative techniques and to help me see the "broader picture", live in the present and LET GO of that over which I had no control. (Little things used to irritate me beyond all reason )

How could I forget!!! I FINALLY got adequate medical treatment for my anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)...Celexa 20 mg a day . Mary, this made a HUGE difference in my ability to NOT over-react to things, to shut off that infernal internal anxiety driven dialogue.


I had a few slips...it's to be expected. But unlike before I would ACKNOWLEDGE what I'd done/said/tone etc. and apologize for it. (Ironically enough, I noticed sarcasm emerging from CJ, unlike him, and wondered aloud if because there was a sarcasm void in the house, he had to fill it!...it was said gently and we both laughed )

The internal changes were for ME...at the beginning, for several months there was NO certainty that CJ would be sticking around. He certainly didn't "buy into" the emerging me for quite some time. But eventually, he couldn't ignore the fact that I had changed, that I continue to change.

Perhaps I'll pop over and copy this onto your thread, Mary. I haven't been out of the Piecing Forum in months.

Shiny