Wife no longer in love with me - Part 3

[MrBond]

The meds might be making you paranoid. That's also a side effect.

Stop with the negative thinking. She loved you once. It doesn't mean that she can't love you again. Face your fear that there might be OM any way. Let's face it, if she said she was done, then that's the next step. The question is though, are you better than another man?

If you say you know her better than anyone else, start using that knowledge. And let's face it, I'm sure your W wasn't a total saint either. She's human just like you. I'm sure there were times that you were attracted to someone else. It happens. Understand that and move on.

[Finah]

the likelihood of reconciliation is very low if that is the case and she has moved on to someone else.

Cam I feel for you, I do.

But step back and look at it from a wider point of view than just your W and you and all those memories.

In most cases when there is another person involved the only thing holding back reconciliation is the other person and your W.....

Meaning all those side concerns she brings up....are just that, they are not the real reason she left you....now it is a symptom, but those symptoms have probably been there for awhile and only then when another person entered the picture did we get.....what you may be dealing with now. Focus on those symptoms and what got you here.


Cam she still has you on her mind...it's obvious in her words and emotions.

I think you will see some progress if you really buckle down, detach from your W and what might be going on in her world and really focus on getting old Cam back with some new and improved outlook and growth.

She has you told you a lot....she misses that old Cam, the one she fell in love with. There is probably a lot of truth in that when she said it.

Find that person and really grow into it.

She said she wants to start splitting assets. I said no I don't want that, to which she said well I dont care when we do it, there's no rush so we'll do it when you're ready.

She is compromising with you here? Why? She doesn't have to.

We haven't seen each other or spoken properly in many weeks and then soon as we do its as if we've never been apart, we're great friends. She stated this.

Again these are good signs.

I think she is still on the fence a bit no matter how hard she is pushing for this.

I think she really wants to see something from you.

Do that.


It's not over until you say it is.

[In_Shock]

^^^^^ what finah said. Cam --- YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!! Come on, man. You have to be strong!!!!! You CAN detach.

Don't give up yet, cam. We're here for you!!

[cam]

Thanks Finah and In Shock - it's humbling the support you get here.

Finah, some comments:
- I am still not sure about OM, I will find out, but it is just so hard to believe, but again, I am probably just naive and foolish. But if its the case, then it is definitely over: I would never want her back.
- A lot of her comments are very valid and I can see and understand why she left and how I made her feel. I acknowledge everything I did wrong with her and can see why I pushed her away.
- She is compromising splitting assets as there is no rush, because in Australia you can't divorce for 12 mths, so we don't have to do anything until next February.
- I think the only reason she has me on her mind, and it would be sparingly is, is because she worries about me - she has told people that.
- I honestly don't think she is on the fence, she engaged a lawyer, she keeps saying she 'wants to move on and just put this all behind us'
- As I mentioned, she looks at every memory of us as tainted and finds fault in things, nothing was good now according to her. She is completely crazy as we had some great times, many in fact and were so close for so long. She now puts that down to her being young when she moved here and was looking for support. She just seems to be making sh!t up.

Yes she probably is with another guy and yes I have been completely played for a fool. Actually thinking about that makes me detach easier, as I get so angry and p!ssed at her I never want to see her again.
I am a very trusting and loyal person. To find out she has betrayed that loyality I have given to her would be the final nail in the marital coffin for us.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Hi Cam,
Did a quick read and a couple of things jumped out at me.
1) You cannot "make" anyone feel. They are responsible for their own feelings, as you are for yours. At this stage it is for you to work on not blaming others for how you feel. It is a choice on how you perceive things, good or bad.

2) You and she are separable from your behaviors. This is why DB works. You address the behaviors that cause disconnect. Again at this stage, it is for you to do that. That is your choice as well.
She has given up for the moment. That doesn't mean she gives up for good.

3) There are people that have overcome infidelity, you could choose to be one of them. Depends on how much you value your W and your relationship with her. Depends on if you can forgive her and on her earning back your trust.

Stranger things have happened.

Sorry if I'm not being too terribly diplomatic here...in a rush.

[♪CS♪]

I really hope I didn't send you into a tail spin with my comment cam. It's just my observation.

Also remember that when I say OP, it doesn't necessarily mean anything physical. It may. May not. It may mean that there is someone waiting. Maybe not. IDK. Like I said. Just my experience.

It should not be the center of your focus. It should be used as motivation. Not something to dwell about.

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Be strong man.

[cam]

I really hope I didn't send you into a tail spin with my comment cam. It's just my observation.

CS...I think you did..Hah! My mind is racing with thoughts of this sh!t now.
Just thinking how naive I am and how I still value the commitment and monogamy we signed up to, and thought it was important to her - obviously not!

[Drew]

*** 2x4 Alert!!! ***

I am still not sure about OM, I will find out.

Why? How will that help?

But if its the case, then it is definitely over: I would never want her back.

That's your pride talking. Lose it.

- As I mentioned, she looks at every memory of us as tainted and finds fault in things, nothing was good now according to her. She is completely crazy as we had some great times, many in fact and were so close for so long. She now puts that down to her being young when she moved here and was looking for support. She just seems to be making sh!t up.

Pure script. We've all heard it. Ignore it.

Yes she probably is with another guy and yes I have been completely played for a fool. Actually thinking about that makes me detach easier, as I get so angry and p!ssed at her I never want to see her again.

This isn't all bad. Your anger can be your armor. But use it as your shield not your sword.

I am a very trusting and loyal person. To find out she has betrayed that loyality I have given to her would be the final nail in the marital coffin for us.

Very conditional love from you Cam. You wanna save your marriage or not? Or only on your terms? Marriage is a two-way street buddy.

[cam]

Why? How will that help?

If I know this then i feel it will help me move on, and I will stop hoping for her to reconsider. I will then know it's over.

That's your pride talking. Lose it.

I can't. I can't imagine being with her ever again if she has been with someone else...i could never trust her or look at her like I did again.

Pure script. We've all heard it. Ignore it.
I do, I know it's bullish!t, we had a pretty good life together, better than most. I gave her everything she wanted, except I wasnt the husband she expected at times.

[/quote]
Very conditional love from you Cam. You wanna save your marriage or not? Or only on your terms? Marriage is a two-way street buddy. [/quote]

Of course I do, but if there is an OM then I don't, I want to move on and put it past me and it is her loss. I know I sound selfish or illogical, as I am so desperate to be with my W again, but I just could never bring myself to trust her again or it would never leave my thoughts.....I don't deserve that. I've beat myself up a lot over this and I've done and changed everything in my life she asked for, yet she still never gave me a chance.
Also, she has too much pride in herself to go back.

[aeolianchaos]

That's your pride talking. Lose it.

Hey, if its a deal breaker, its a deal breaker.

I thought it was until it happened to me. Funny how things shift.