The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

Hi NNP,

Well...my engagement ring I haven't worn for months now because the prong was loose and needed repair. My wedding band was so tight (I'm 15 lbs heavier than when we were married) and I couldn't even get it off. And every time I know H is probably out with OW, or talking to OW, or working on her brand new house that I'm NOT supposed to know about I look at it and just get mad. H hasn't worn his wedding ring for 2+ years now. About the same time that he started up with the skank.

So....I went to the jeweler last week and had my wedding band cut off! It felt so empowering. I am getting the engagement ring prong issue fixed and also having the wedding band re-sized. I told H and mentioned that I could get his re-sized too and he kind of swiftly changed the subject. Whatever! So I'll get the rings back and then see how I feel about putting them on again on Thursday. Every day is different.

To me what makes this whole situation almost unbearable is that whenever in the past I have asked about this OW, he gets very defensive and tells me that I don't trust him. Then he won't speak to me for days and I feel like he will bolt. SO....I suffer in silence except for this board which helps me journal. In a way it would be easier if he were flaunting his affair, staying out late, not coming home, etc....but instead....he is very sneaky and stealth. I've caught him lying about whereabouts but have never confronted him with what I know. He prides himself in being able to keep a secret. He is a kind, considerate person on the outside but also has this secretive manipulative side too.

Last night, I played the message that he left on my cell phone back in February which was actually meant for OW. I don't know why I save it. Maybe to remind myself of what a cad he is or to reinforce my belief that I am not crazy and that he IS having an affair. Do you think I should delete that message? Maybe I keep it to subconsciously torture myself more?

We ML this a.m. First time in a few weeks. I blew it and called him a bunch of times yesterday (with no answer). I think I need to read the DB book again because I know I am blowing it in many areas. I wish I could remember what it felt like not to feel this way. To wake up each morning and have a positive outlook on the day, week, year, my life.

This affair has taken its toll on me. If I knew it were over I think I could move on....but it's not over.