GALing and Boundaries with XH

[cat04]

Antonia,

I went back and read your other thread because to me, this whole interaction from your side seemed rather, IDK what the right word is...

If I was on the receiving end of your response, I would take it as defensive and controlling to a great degree.

Your boundary, was not stated in a way that said boundary but more like telling him what to do (about the cats and what to talk about).

It seems as if (from what you wrote on both threads) that you hold a lot of resentment toward the former friends and maybe to your XH as well.

It also seems as if your explanations were defensive of your behavior (missing festivals) but not accepting of his.

I am sorry that his email opened a wound. Those wounds may be caused in part or in whole by his actions, but they aren't his responsibility to heal or avoid.

That falls squarely on you. It is up to you to heal yourself. To get to a place where that wound isn't opened anymore.

I am from New England. Some people love the place they are in and some people belong where they are, are fed by it, thrive in the environment. I thrive in New England. There is just something about the area, the land, the air, the water, the smells, the food...

My mother took me from there when I was almost 17. To Florida. Someplace completly opposite. And not a place that suits me well. When I went back to visit, it always opened that wound, and when I would return, my frustrations with my mother and where I was, would grow. To the point that I stopped going to visit because it was simply too painful. It grew the hate and anger within me. No matter how many times she apologized, it didn't make it better. SHE couldn't make it better for me, I had to do that for myself.

Over time, I healed those wounds, or so I thought. I returned about 12 years ago, and that scab came off, but not as bad. I worked some more on it, I didn't want to never be able to go home again, and I didn't want to always hold anger towards my mother about it.

It took me another almost 12 years to be ready to go back again. I was scared before now. I went back earlier this month. I loved every minute of it. I felt like I had never left. The only negative feeling that I had this time, was regret that I had let so much time pass. That I had let that anger keep me from someplace that I absolutly love. That my son hasn't been able to know this part of his mother because I couldn't face it...

He will now...

I came back to Florida, and I was able to talk to my mother about it. Without any meanness, blaming or anger... Without hating where I live... Without sorrow and pain...

How does this tie into your story...

Simply in the fact that WE have to heal ourselves. Whether someone else apologizes, feels differently from us, agrees or disagrees with how we feel...

It is up to us to make a choice. We can hold onto the wounds and wait for that scab to be ripped off (and it almost always will), or honestly and truly heal it, so that those wounds become scars and don't do anything but serve as a reminder to all that we have faced and have grown from and through. A reminder of our accomplishments....

Everything that happens in our lives is something that we can learn from and grow through, if we allow it to be so...