I had the kids last night, it was great, they are so funny and great to be with.
My son was very loving again last night, I spoke to my wifes parents about him a few weeks ago, and they said that maybe because I had stopped drinking, and my wife and I were getting on better, that maybe he was getting hopeful that I was coming home soon?, Yeah, I know that feeling??
I just have to watch him, he's very quiet about his feelings.
Wife called to speak to the kids, we chatted briefly, all fine, no problems, so I continue that way.
She was probably with OM again, not my problem, but I do get a knot in my stomach when I think of them together while the kids are with me.
It will be easier next week when he goes back away to work, although I know he's in the background, he's not here physically. But then the stupid thing is, is that the more he's around, the more chance of her seeing what he's really like and maybe lose interest, rather that time apart being all romantic? I don't know!!!, its all games in my head!!
I totally agree with what VC said that changes take time, she's not going to dump him overnight, same way as I didn't stop drinking straight away, but once I knew what I truely wanted I did, as she said on Saturday, all she wanted was to be happily married with our kids, so once she knows she can have that, if I maintain the changes, it might be a quick turnaround??, who knows!!!!
But for now I'm thankful that we are talking again, and getting on, it's got to be a start of a NEW friendship, once I gain her trust again, and my changes are permenant, I do believe that we will have a future together.
This is what will take time, the earning of her trust again, she needs to know that I won't hurt her or our children again through drinking, and in the meantime he is the "bandaid" for her, the thing I think though is she has told me in the past that she is still hurting over how I became, the neglect, the moods etc, but I think the only person who can truely help heal those wounds is me?, yes he can help, but its down to me to put the past right?, maybe I think too much!!!
Other than my situation with my wife I'm great, I feel healthy, I am fitter than I have been in a long time, and I'm happy in myself, BUT I cannot stop loving or missing my wife, if I could take a pill to stop them feelings I would, everything else in my life is good, but I don't like not being with her, I miss her every day, from how she looks, to her laugh, to just being around her.
I try to think of things that I didn't like about her when we were together, and it works for about 15mins, then the good stuff comes back, the good memories, then it hurts again!!!
I know I'll be ok without her, I'm a good looking guy, good job, etc, and I will meet somebody else when I'm ready, I'm not scared of being on my own forever, I just miss my best friend, who was also my wife and mother of my children.
It is all so very sad, but I will do my best to achieve what I really truely want.
