Well most people keep covering my points so I'll add this instead, and this is not advice or a recommendation. Just me trying to understand how your W feels. These are just hypothetical questions.
Ok so your W buys you playboy calendars. Pretty cool I'd say.
How would she feel if you actively watched hardcore stuff online?
How would she feel if you and the guys went to a strip club? How about alone?
How about if you got it outside the marriage with no strings attached?
I only ask this because I am curious as to how much she is willing to tolerate to avoid actually fulfilling your needs. Are her scars so deep that she would allow what many find to be intolerable?
What's the limit of her fears? How much would she tolerate, before getting the help she needs. (it doesn't have to be professional, it could just be a personal commitment to work on herself).
It almost feels like she gets you the calendars to replace what she herself is not willing to give. Yet the calendars are pretty tame, when compared to what else you could be doing. Sounds like the calendars are a relatively low price to pay to get you to leave her alone.
It's a weird set of questions, but I think the answers would put things in perspective.
The other thing is does your W understand the difference between wanting Sex and wanting HER? To alot of women to include my W this is an important distinction. Because of the SA your W felt used like an object. She must have felt like a rag doll being used to satisfy someone else's needs. Everytime you bugged her for a hand job and she complied, it probably made things worse. Now YOU were using her for your pleasure, pressuring = forcing.
In a marriage you can't force someone to act in any way. Yet you can prompt them to react to your actions. Here are some ideas.
Get yourself some counseling, work on your issues this may get her to work on hers. Even if she never gets IC seeing her work on your problems may get her to finally objectively look at her own.
Work on making her feel better about herself, make her feel confident.
Get her to enjoy physical comfort, a slightly deeper kiss, a lingering hug, help her equate physical contact with love. Your goal shouldn't be to get her in bed, your immediate goal should be a deep make out session. Can you get her to this? Maybe a hug from behind when she doesn't expect it. Can you get her to feel comfortable sitting on your lap. Maybe if you do all this without it leading to sex, she can see the physical touch as love not you being a perv.
