GALing and Boundaries with XH

[AntoniaB]

Here's the old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2189251&page=1

I reflected on XH tonight and how I should proceed. In the past day his email opened an "old wound", and when I called him on it, he apologized, said he didn't realize it would hurt me and told me why. I do think he has a legitimate point about why from HIS perspective he didn't think it was a big deal to me, but despite that, he still apologized and wasn't rude or anything. His email is towards the end of my last thread. I'm trying to do what AJM said and think about both sides here and miscommunications of the past and now with an eye towards rectifying them.

So, my reply to him said the following and I give my explanation behind each response:

1. I told him that I had chosen in the past to see my sisters a few times during that festival because I rarely saw them and didn't realize my absence from the festival was noticed. (I know in the past when I chose family over him that at times this hurt him. This was too codependent of him, yes. But right or wrong, HIS perception is that I left him alone at an event he thought we should be together as a couple. So I just used this opportunity to explain that it was never my intention to slight him).

2. I said even if I missed a few festivals, I had always seen them as a tradition of our marriage and our long-term friend group. (this gives him my perspective) and that when that group very easily accepted a "replacement" for me last year, I felt that they hurt me when I needed kindness and respect in a difficult time and that after that trip, not one of them ever spoke to me again, severing a 20 year friendship. (Sure he took OW on this trip, but only because they allowed it, so my issue was really with them more than him, so I'm not attacking him here).

3. I said mention of this trip opens a wound for me, but that based on his perception of the meaning of this trip, I could see why he thought there was nothing wrong in bringing it up. Then I thanked him for apologizing. (always praise what they do "right").

4. I ended by saying "next time you might try asking me about how the cats are doing or telling me about your tutoring experiences--subjects that don't open wounds." And I put a smiley face. (This is my attempt at a boundary, FWIW.

Do I intend to start contacting him at all? No. I'm comfortable not doing so. I am just fine if he never contacts me.

Would I be ok with it if he continued to reach out from time to time? Yes. But am I ok with him opening wounds? No. So my last sentence was the "olive branch", I guess, where I said "here's some things we can talk about if you want."

I don't want long conversations and lots of chitchat while he's with OW. But if he OCCASIONALLY wants to reach out, I'm ok with it if he can keep to this boundary.

I'm willing to accept that he didn't realize this topic would--so I explained why without getting angry or throwing blame his way. But I also think he needs to be aware in the future that some topics just really are off limits when you're dealing with an ex you betrayed.

So I hope that for now I navigated this ok. I feel good about it, and I feel clear, so now I can get back to my GALing :-)