I've been quiet the last few months, as there just didn't seem to be much to say anymore. I've still been following everyone else as usual, just haven't felt 'wise' enough to comment on anyone else's situation as of late. Anyways, here is the link to my old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2173814&page=1
So we are coming up on 1year of being separated. And almost nothing has changed since the last time I posted. H moved into his own house the beginning of July, and it kind of feels like he didn't count the first 9 or 10 months of separation since we spent so much time together and he was living at his moms, but spending so much time here.
To make a long story short, over the past year, we have somehow become really good friends again. I 180'd everything, and it totally helped our relationship. We get along fabulously, when he comes to see our young children, I usually stay and hang out with him. Sometimes he stays after they go to bed, and we watch our shows etc. Sometimes he leaves right away. He always kisses me goodbye. We are still ML occasionally. He still frequently comments on how 'hot' I am, and will sort of 'hit' on me. Like he will peak in when I am taking a shower etc. He will offer to give me the occasional massage. (which i totally don't get - if I thought i wasn't in love with someone anymore and wanted our relationship to be over, I seriously doubt I would be all that attracted to him. But I'm a woman, so what do i know about the male mind when it comes to sex). He has shown jealousy occasionally. He is kind and normal, and we haven't fought about anything in a year. We've learned how to debate stuff constructively. But I know I've done 95% of the work to get us to this place, and I'm okay with that. Someone had to.
We haven't had a R talk in several months. The last one - after months of what I thought were great - he told me still isn't happy and still thinks our marriage is 'probably over'. Still won't talk about divorce though. Still won't say its over. Still won't make any actual decisions. My guess is that he doesn't want to hurt me further, so he thinks dragging it on will break me in softly. There is still no OW in the picture as far as I know, and quite frankly I pretty much know where he is 24 hours a day. Not b/c I ask him, but usually b/c he tells me everything. IDK.
I dont want to rehash everything that I journaled in my previous posts. But we still are in some weird state of limbo. I definitely know that he is cake eating, but at the same time, following the DB theory and the languages of love theory, this is the stuff that he wants. he's totally the guy where if I completely detached he'd say to himself 'oh - well eff her, if she doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't want anything to do with her, so lets just get divorced'. Thats totally his personality. Also, detaching would probably be very difficult since we do have two little children (oldest is 5, the youngest just turned 2) to raise together.
So... its almost been a year. How long can I really do this for? I like so many others have told myself a thousand times that I was dropping the rope, but obviously Im not quite there yet. Our relationship just seems sooooo good right now - with the one small minor detail of our separation and the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I have backslide a couple of times. ANd Im not going to beat myself up for it. For example, things have been going so good, that I suggested we go to Muskoka for one night away, no strings, just a break from our work lives etc. He said no. I said, no problem as nicely as I could. And it was fine. But I just don't know what to do anymore.
Life isn't horrible right now, its pretty good. But i am getting frustrated with the fact that I cant go out for dinner with my husband (without the kids - we still go out as a family once in a while). That we can't go to a party together, or vacation. I am DYING for a vacation with my husband. I just wonder how long he thinks things can go on like this. I honestly don't have any more tricks up my sleeve at this point. Either he figures out that we can make this work, or he finally figures out that he does't love me anymore. Either way, I don't know see that I have any influence over that. And thats fine. I just dont know how long I can wait for this. I am okay. I know I will be okay in the long run no matter what. But I still want this.
My life is very busy with a full time job and my two little ones, and all of their activities, and the gym and running, and spending time with my friends etc. I have GAL as much as a single mom can. Kay, I definitely have some more to say, but I'm exhausted from journaling just this, so I am going to stop here from now. I forgot how mentally draining this can be - but oh so therapeutic.
Thanks for listening. And any advice would be greatly appreciated. As usual, I'm totally rooting for all of you, and I'm constantly amazed and touched at all the support this board has to offer.
