Thank you all for the birthday wishes and support!
Overall - My Birthday went well
Saturday - I was picked up and driven to paintball. I was completely taken care of. We played at multiple courses. I was shot first in my pinkie, followed by a bunch in my face (Thankfully I wore a mask). Towards the end, we were all on the same team.. labeled "Val's bada$$es". It was awesome! I'm definitely consulting you for my next birthday...dang girl...
From there we went to lunch at a small little diner. I remember looking at the table and thinking "all these friends have been with me through this sh!t! I couldn't have asked for a better group of people" Later I threw a party. About 25 people came. A g/f came over to do my hair and make-up. I danced my a$$ off. It was great. WHAT A HEALTHY HAPPY THING TO DO!!! Yay you!
Missed my w very little that day.
Lots of Love followed at church on Sunday.. and a hang over. Posted my pics on FB, 5 minutes later… my w unmarried us. Still kept me on as a friend though. Guess god answered that prayer.. at least for now. um, well, whatever...I mean I guess there's a great reply to that act of hers - but it escapes me at the moment...
Yesterday was probably one of the most stressful days at set however I was joyous and very upbeat. I mentioned how I cried in the morning, but I prayed hard that God remind me of the love in my life and he provided. None stop love from the crew, followed by tons of emails and post. I was swamped with it. I missed my w.. but even she too wished me happy b-day. Got off that emotional rollercoaster pretty fast.
Went out or beers with my bestie after work and we talked about the year. What was amazing was how much positivity came out of my mouth. I'm getting a divorce. I lost my best friend and the woman that I can honestly say, loved more than anyone. I should have said that this year sucked…
But instead.. I am building deeper relationship with friends. Work has improved tremendously.
My r with my w might be over, but I spent 6 months putting in every effort to save my m. Really trying to understand her perspective, fears, wants.. and put mine aside. To give love with out expectations (I know I still struggle with them). To work on stuff that bothered her (needy, controlling, negative). I lost the battle, but I can say that I didn't lose the war. I don't regret a thing.
I have grown so much in the past year. I feel more positive and more loving. My anger still comes up, but it doesn't consume me. I am happier. I look forward to pushing my growth further.
My bestie's response… "Yeah.. I definitely see that in you now. You've really changed in the past year." so much in this to respond to I chose instead to just highlight some b/c YOU GET IT...and I love that about you. What a frickin' fast learner you are when the chips are down...
Came home to a card from MIL. She wished me the best and said thanked me for taking care of her daughter while we were together. She told me to remember the good times w and I shared, and not get stuck in the bad stuff. It was signed from her and "Gram X". I cried. I loved w's gram. She treated me like a granddaughter. I'm thinking about writing MIL a response back. First to say thanks, and then to say what's on my mind. Her and w have a crappy relationship.. I know they both want one, but are stuck in so much fear to move forward. I know it's not my place, but now that my own mother is sick and my limited time with her is becoming more apparent, I want to say something about not allowing fear to paralyze them. I will think on it .. maybe post here about it.
Do post here about it in ase your w could be offended/pressured freaked or whatever... IF that matters to you.
Your insight about whats really important NOW when time with your own mom is limited --is something to share with mil for sure.
It means you have Perspective, and gives the context of your contact.
Like you have NO expectations of w or a reaction, for example BUT you know life is short.
Spent the rest of the night thanking the 80 people that wished me happy birthday on FB That took a little bit of time but if they took the time to write "HB".. I could take the time to write "thx". Plus alot of the posts were super loving. Just another reminder of how much Love my birthday was full of.
Beautiful...
Responded to w as well. "Thanks for the email. I appreciate you thinking of me today!"
And that my friends was my 1st birthday w/o my w in a long time. Fully of sadness and joy, disappointment and love, expectations - both good and bad.
P.S. Aeo, JS, and Tele.. been really thinking about what you said. I can't seem to post anything about it as I am on my own emotional rollercoaster right now. Trying to figure out the truth, my wants, my boundaries. Thank you for posing the hard questions… it just means I have to look hard for the answers.
You have done a lot of deep brave work. That's why your results are apparent and profound.
Keep it up! Well done.
ps Happy belated Bday...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your discussion with your friend reminds me a lot of how I feel on most days. My world should be coming apart, but instead I feel more blessed and loved than ever. It's situations like this where you find out who your friends are.
Aww thanks DG! I'm glad you feel bless and loved! Your right about finding out who your friends are in times like these.
@IS - I did sleep more than 5 hrs. I slept 12 hours today. Off and on.. but it was still great!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Later I threw a party. About 25 people came. A g/f came over to do my hair and make-up. I danced my a$$ off. It was great.
WHAT A HEALTHY HAPPY THING TO DO!!! Yay you!
25 - I remember your story about going overseas on your anniversary and how healthy it was for you and a wake up call for h. It sparked my thought process for my bday so thank you! It didn't spark anything with W but I'm ok with that.
Posted my pics on FB, 5 minutes later… my w unmarried us. Still kept me on as a friend though. Guess god answered that prayer.. at least for now.
um, well, whatever...I mean I guess there's a great reply to that act of hers - but it escapes me at the moment...[/color]
Yeah. Throwing a party is a complete 180 to who my wife thinks I am. There have been moments when she has admitted that she thinks she held me back. That she kept me from having friends, and a life.
In some ways it was probably a smack in her face and for that I am sorry. I wish stuff that I did for myself didn't hurt her. However at the same time, she HAS contributed to my feeling worthless. I have to start building that back up.
So I don't know if that was a reaction from her or just a CRAZY concidence. I said that God answered a prayer because FB stresses me out. lol. Been fighting myself with expectations that her keeping her status = hope as well as my lack of strength to set some boundaries. God took care of it for me.
I'm thinking about writing MIL a response back. First to say thanks, and then to say what's on my mind. Her and w have a crappy relationship.. I know they both want one, but are stuck in so much fear to move forward. I know it's not my place, but now that my own mother is sick and my limited time with her is becoming more apparent, I want to say something about not allowing fear to paralyze them. I will think on it .. maybe post here about it. [/b] Do post here about it in ase your w could be offended/pressured freaked or whatever... IF that matters to you.
It matters and I will post here. An awesome writer I am not.
You have done a lot of deep brave work. That's why your results are apparent and profound.
Keep it up! Well done.
ps Happy belated Bday...
Thank you!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, you are familiar enough with my sitch to know my W defriended our daughter after our daughter befriended me. IMO this action was an attempt to manipulate, and an example of conditional love.
Your W felt what she felt and reacted the way she reacted to your posted pics not b/c of your post, rather b/c of her own issues. This is her work to be done by her, her tasks to accomplish.
When we walk on eggshells to keep from causing them pain we do them a disservice and permit control of ourselves. I know you know this as do I and still we pragmatically avoid p1ssing them off, until quite by accident we do.
There is this Dr Seuss quote: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” I try to keep in mind. While I am picking my battles and terrain.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
val, still following you. Still here with you in spirit. You're inspirational. Keep on keeping on girl!!! (((Hugs))) Wish we could have a beer together! LOL
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Yes a beer get together would be good.. although it is only 11a here.
September has been an extremely rough month for me. I have cried probably more so this month than in April when I first separated. I have very much been grieving my w. 2 months since we have seen each other, almost 6 since we have really spoken. The death of my m has been very hard to accept this month.
I know God has given me this time to work through these feelings. It has almost 3 months since d-bomb (2 months since the hickey fight) and God has protected me thus far. There is much work I need to do on myself and I have been firm in my faith that he will not put something in front of me until he feels I am ready.
However it seems that its time now. My w, my pastor, and my schedule have opened up to have our first mediation meeting next week. This morning I was offered another job to start next week and I breathed a sigh of relief. But immediately it went away.. I guess God thinks I'm ready.
I plan on doing alot of posting here over the next couple of days. Hopefully I will answer alot of questions posed by Aeo, JS, and TM. My hope is that I can work through some of my demons before next week.. cause honestly I am scared sh!tless.
I don't feel strong enough. I don't feel ready. I suppose none of us ever do completely.
Having faith that I will be alright is hard for me. I'm used to taking care of things on my own, being strong enough to handle it on my own.
If there is anything I have learned throughout this process is that I can't. If I had tried, I would be having a nervous breakdown.
I never thought this separation would bring so much of my past and inner demons to the surface. At times it is too much to bare. At times it consumes my thoughts and stops me from working, enjoying life.
I have had many conversations with God recently saying "Really? All this had to happen so I could become a better Val? I mean couldn't you have just said "Hey.. it's time you deal with your sh!t. It's time you become the woman I've wanted you to be all along!". Did I have to lose my m, my w, do I have to accept my mom & sister being sick? Did all this pain need to be in my life.. so I could grow??".
The short answer is.. YES.
I'm reading "The Shack". I cry all the way through it. It reminds me that God does not use pain or evil to change people. he just allows it to happen.. so he can come in and show his unconditional love for us.
Enough rambling for now. I'm getting a little too spiritual for myself.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Asset list is complete. Email drafted. Hitting send.. that's another story.
JS - you talk about walking on eggshells only to know that they eggs will break anyway.
That's how I feel now.
It's hard to send this list. It's more extensive than hers. It clearly defines that she has more than me. There are alot of hot topics.
I wish I could compose an email saying "this is just a guide, just because I put things like 401k on the list.. doesn't mean I want it".
But there I go again, putting her feelings ahead of mine. Trying to manipulate the situation so I don't get "in trouble".
I spend 9 yrs trying to convince this woman that I love her and would not hurt her. I spent 9 yrs not sticking up for myself so I wouldn't get punished or get the cold treatment. I did my best to protect her from others and herself. In some ways, I was w's little whipping boy.
But in being the whipping boy, I no longer know how to love myself. It feels very unnatural to think of me before her. It feels unnatural that loving myself does NOT mean that I have stopped loving her.
Another 180 that will be healthy for me, but pushes me further away from w.
This blows.. just sayin..
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It can play out lots of ways. Forgive me if this is stinking thinking.. I'm just basing it off of actions. It all begins... I show up in my purple dress that I have been saving for this meeting. Hair done, make-up on. I look pretty. My w makes some comment about my physical appearance. She doesn't like the blonde or thinks I'm too skinny.. etc. She may even say I look nice - regardless it's just a dig at me.
We begin talking about our assets. Her demeanor is cold. She is very matter of fact. There is no hint that she ever loved me or cares about my feelings anymore.
When I mention that I am entitled to half, her anger rises. Our marital problems come to the foreground. Of course it's the same sh!t just now cloaked by the D. I wish that we could work it out.. if she's angry.. than I'm all ears, full of validation and empathy. Her response.. it doesn't matter now. We are over.
It takes two to work on these things. She has no desire to do that. She has made it clear in her actions and her words. She just doesn't want to deal with me.
As things get heated, I start backpeddling. My w, knowing how to manipulate the situation and me, says things to gain control of our conversation. Her top two things - That I am acting out of anger or that I don't care. The two things that cut me the most. Because she knows I struggle with my anger and that I love her very much. She knows the thought of hurting her breaks my heart. So I begin to believe these lies. Instead of growing angry or sticking up for myself, I grow fearful. Fear of pissing her off because in the past there are always consequences to my actions. I know that any step I take towards protecting myself leads me farther from w.
I panic and desperately try to stop this from happening. My w is gone, but I still have threads. I hold onto them desperately because I fear her never being in my life again.
As I am doing this, I fail to recognize in the moment that this is our cycle. Me.. trying to manipulate the situation because I know the consequences of my actions and thinking that I am not worth more. Using the excuse that I love her so much that I don't want to hurt her or screw her in anyway, when in actuality I am just hurting and screwing myself.
As the mediation comes to a close and I make it through as best I can.. it's over. My w and I will never talk again. There is nothing I can say or do to reassure her that I never wanted this. That just because I decided to protect and love myself did NOT mean I have ever stopped loving her. She will find any excuse to stay out of my life. From her own guilt, to making excuses that it's not fair to me. Unless God does some major work in her, this will be the end to our story.
How does that sound for fear??
Am heading out to clear my head a bit Aeo. I honestly don't know if I have answers to the other questions posed.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
"So when I say I plan to keep fighting for the rest of my life, I don't mean for my marriage. I mean for me."
This is you, V. The real you. You have shown enormous growth and strength through your situation. You can steer yourself through mediation or any other situation now. Old V is gone.
I found these two quotes which I will share:
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather
Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared. ~Edward Vernon Rickenbacker
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
LOL