Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

Oh let me clarify what I meant by nuts.

Not like, full-blown MLC insanity, such as making stuff up, spewing, being hateful, that sort of thing. I mean "nuts" as in it's sort of "crazy" to me that when there's zero contact for me or Beatrice or anyone else for awhile that suddenly they surface and talk about things in such a way that it comes off like nothing ever happened. I would liken it to friends I'm not in contact with anymore for any sort of reason, just out of the blue getting an email that says "so what do you think about X?" or "wow, my weekend just was SO boring." I'd really not know much how to respond to that either; I'd be like, well, you weren't interested in me for the past few months, why are you suddenly emerging?

So probably that comment came off in a way that I didn't mean :-)

But regardless, you are very right, there are serious miscommunication issues here--that probably relate WAY back to the marriage, in that I guess he felt like I disconnected from that trip years ago and never said anything about it (not a surprise as he never told me he had problems with me much at all till his MLC "trigger") and in my head, it was meaningful whether I was able to make it that year or not. I think I may have missed only 2 of maybe 18 or more years of it. But all that is so irrelevant now, in a way, isn't it? Because he has no interest in talking about our marriage. Believe me there are many times I've wanted to say things like "wow I was a real jerk when I came off like such and such about your family when this happened..." and I've only been able to see that all since I really "tore apart" my inner self, but I feel like as long as he's so firmly with OW that I can't bring this stuff up or it looks like some form of pursuit. I also don't think he is at all able to see what he did "wrong" to me because he's just not there yet--he's said he's "sorry" but not sorry for the affair. He thinks that affair was the right thing for him and unfortunately the wrong thing for me.

So I guess I'd like your advice AJM on what to do here---you're saying I should tell him that I won't engage in chitchat as long as he's with OW? I did that for about 5 or 6 months, and then let him back "in" only via email, and this is where we are.

I guess the part I don't "get" and need explained to me is that I do not want him to think I am waiting for his rela. to end, nor do I want him to think that I'm pining away or sitting around wishing I had him back. I want him to think I'm GALing because that is what I'm doing exactly. But if I say "look here I am getting my own life, but I won't talk to you about chitchat as long as you're with OW."

Doesn't that then look like I'm not GALing? Like if I was really getting a new life, it wouldn't MATTER to me if he had OW in his life, right? I'd be practicing such detachment that I'd be saying "good luck in your life with OW."

I guess I just don't know what kind of boundary to set here, and when I get confused, I mostly just walk away anymore, which is better than fighting or pursuing, at least.

You're going to ask if I want him back, and the answer to that is that I'm hopeful that he gets his head right but realistic that he will hang on to OW for as long as he can and that until he loses her, he may never explore what's really at issue with himself. And I also know that I've grown in ways that I'm not sure he'd like. I'm extraordinarily independent and he doesn't know me as that person at all. I'm not actively seeking a mate at all--but if lightning strikes and I meet someone who treats me better, I would consider dating someone. I guess I'm just wanting things to be smooth if possible NOW so that if his rel. with OW ends and he starts moving towards figuring things out, that he will have decent thoughts about me.

Knowing that, what's the boundary?