Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

Val,

You raise some good points and some valuable insights.

Yes, I do ask the $h!t out these questions. I think that its part of me exploring my thoughts and my concerns without necessarily leaping to conclusions right away.

What do I want now? For me, or for that relationship?

What am I ok with now? I'm ok with any number of possibilities.

If we never see each other again, it would be too bad but I can handle that. If we move in a direction towards reconciliation, I can handle that.

What I don't believe that I'm okay with is entering some kind of collusive relationship w/ her where she gets to dodge herself and I'm pretending I don't feel the way I do towards her. It isn't my responsibility to make her grow, but it is my choice to not participate in something that I think would prevent that, while probably causing me a fair bit of grief.

I think the ability to tolerate anxiety and stress is very important, but I don't read it as the decision to expose oneself needlessly to something unpleasant just to prove something to myself.

What I would like (in my ideal world) would be for her to walk right into herself and experience some epiphanies about her choices and her behaviors. But I also accept that I'm not the one to do that for her.

I don't know if I'm fully grasping the implications of what you are talking about with regards to acting from a loving place. Are we talking about love in the sense of loving-kindness?

I think that I act from a loving place but it is also one that is strategic. I know that certain actions will push me away from what I believe I want - other actions will perhaps be useful in moving towards that. I also believe that I can love my WAW, but still not necessarily be okay w/ having a friendship.

I find compassion comes very naturally to me, and that it is often easy to put other's needs ahead of my own. After my WAW disclosed her A, I was p!$$ed (obviously) but rather quickly had a tremendous degree of empathy for the fact that she was feeling shame, guilt, and embarassment. Unfortunately, I assumed she also felt remorse.

It is hard/important work for me, to really figure out what my personal needs are (beyond the basics of survival) and develop my own self.

As to your question about if I always ask my W so many questions: No, not really. Lately I feel like I'm a character from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead playing tennis with questions - I am doing my best to just elicit information and be receptive to what she is saying. I am interested in where she is at - in terms of her thinking - and it gives me the opportunity to listen without passing judgement on her.

I don't feel a strong urge to express myself towards her or share my feelings in any way really. This is probably a combination of "knowing better" and maintaining some emotional distance.

I also don't wish to engage with some of her 'leading' statements about how I feel towards her or anything like that - what I think isn't really the question. And she knows where I stand - I've stated it explicitly "W I want you and I want to be wanted by you."

Thanks, Val - you're thoughts definitely elicited something from me!