Wife no longer in love with me - Part 3

[cam]

I just organised a private investigator to find out once and for all if my W is seeing someone else.
Made me feel sick doing this, and having to find a photo of her for him......to actually think that this is happening to us is so surreal and depressing.
I'm not sure if I will actually go through with it, but we'll see how I feel in the next day or so.
I know in my heart that if I find out there is someone, then there will be no way I will ever want her back. I will confront her, and then proceed with the legal action asap to remove her from my life once and for all. That is the end for me....I will be done and I will have a lot more clarity.

[MrBond]

I gotta tell you that alot of your distrust is stemming from your fear and insecurity. And honestly, you said you were a jerk so if she found someone else to fill her emotional need, there's nothing wrong with that. You made a mistake and are paying the consequences of that.

She said she was done with you, are getting L involved, why shouldn't she have another guy? In all honesty, she's right in thinking that the changes you've made might not stick. Your paranoia and insecurity isn't helping you much.

Okay, so say the PI goes and finds out that there is another guy. Do you honestly think it'll make you feel better? You're just looking at your W to suffer and take the heat for your own suffering. And what if there wasn't another guy? Then you'd still be faced with the fact that, hey I was a jerk in the past and my W really doesn't like me.

Let me tell you something. My W had an A with her boss. It's taken her 3 years to feel safe with me again because I helped her in gaining that trust.

What I hear in your posts is a scared insecure guy. If you want your M to work with or without another person, then deal with that. What you can't deal with is the fact that she left you. Period. Accept it and change.

[cam]

What I hear in your posts is a scared insecure guy. If you want your M to work with or without another person, then deal with that. What you can't deal with is the fact that she left you. Period. Accept it and change.

You're right mr bond, I am totally scared and insecure about this. Im scared stupid of my life without her, as I miss her so much. I'm scared I won't meet anyone again, not like her, not what we once had. I'm scared that I have lost the love of my life, scared that I will never see her again soon. I'm insecure about everything and completely hate life now. I guess I have just been thinking so much over the weekend, and then with people posting that she is most likely with another man, it has set me off with so many insecurities and fears.

[~¤DG¤~]

The thing is, your fears will not change if you do find out there is another person.
Don't waste your money on a PI, just assume that there is someone else and deal with it.

It's hard, very very hard. We all get this. We're all basically in the same boat. Hiring a PI will not change anything about how your feeling right now.

I think what is most important right now is for you to focus on your fears of being alone. YOU are the ONLY thing you can control, so stop obsessing over something you cannot change.
See a therapist, a pastor, someone. Work on you.

[cam]

Thanks DG, I am trying to work on myself, but it's hard, very hard as everyone knows. Seeing my dreams and hopes all disappear just kills me inside.
I guess if I do know about an OM in some way it will help me to move on and get through this. I know in my heart that I would never want to be with her again, so it would be closure for me and I could get on with my life and stop holding out hope.

[aeolianchaos]

And honestly, you said you were a jerk so if she found someone else to fill her emotional need, there's nothing wrong with that. You made a mistake and are paying the consequences of that.

Just to be clear, are we discussing before or after she walked out on the marriage?

[aeolianchaos]

Cam,

The common thread weaving through a lot of these posts is that you need to immunize yourself emotionally from reacting so heavily to your wife.

I know, it hurts. But you need to give that pain more meaning than "I've blown it life is over" if you want to get through it and get beyond it.

Taking care of your issues, and your tasks will help you do that. You need to come up with a new role for Cam to play.. take some time and think about that.

[cam]

Just to be clear, are we discussing before or after she walked out on the marriage?

Before she walked out, there were times when I was a jerk, but also many times when i did lovely things for her. Since she left, there have been many times when I was an idiot, mainly in the early days trying to get her to come home, but the last few mths I haven't really done anything as there's no proper contact.

I'm slowly coming to the realization and acceptance that D is inevitable and there is no turning this one around.

[MrBond]

"D is inevitable and there is no turning this one around."

Keep thinking this and it will happen. What you need to do is understand that this is something that CAN happen and is the worst case scenario. But that doesn't mean that it will happen. If you keep focusing on this it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Get a hold of yourself. Take a walk, do something physical to get all the nervous energy out of your system. Start fighting back instead of being afraid. Conquer your fear and you'll be able to think clearly.

Maybe you need meds. Just something to calm you down and start regaining your manhood and control. Were you like this when your W started dating you?

[cam]

Thanks Bond.....I just feel with all this talk of a potential OM now that the likelihood of reconciliation is very low if that is the case and she has moved on to someone else.

I am on meds, but they dont seem to do much. They make me feel a bit better, but they don't stop me reminiscing about all the memories of my W and the great times we had together and how much I miss her.
I was nothing like this when we started dating....my W even mentioned on the weekend when I said that I am trying and working on getting myself back to the happy go lucky cam she met in Portugal, she said that's the cam she fell in love with. But she is glad I am doing that for me and not her and it will help me in the future and to live a life without her.
When I hear her say she couldn't imagine being with me again and she doesn't love me anymore, it breaks my heart and any possible hope that we could work this out.
Meanwhile we sit there and get on well, laugh and talk. That frustrates me so much, as there's no animosity and all I see is what we had and could have again if she would have just tried.