Treading water - time and patience

[NYCPeter]

Ok - I just received a text from my W.
I have not responded and need to give this some thought.
"Hi - Hope you are well. As you decided to leave the house on Sat, I am assuming you won't be coming back soon - We need to discuss arrangements on Tues - Speak then".

Do I respond - clearly indicating I'll be back on Fri, which I reiterated to her yesterday or just not respond and discuss tomorrow. I do intend doing my nightly call with the girls tonight.

Bottom line - it's easy to say make her do all the heavy lifting but we have a daughter with CP and both daughters in local schools - my W moving out is just not a realistic option.

I can't believe this has turned around so quickly.. Fri I thought we were making great progress.

[OmegaZed]

Just call the girls as you regularly do. I'd wait until Tuesday to talk with your W, and fully stand by your intent to be back in your home.

[Accuray]

NYCPeter,

I've been catching up on your situation, so painful to read, you have my sympathies. My sister just got a D, and the L will advise that you never move out for two reasons (1) your W can spin this into an abandonment claim WRT the girls and custody, and (2) if she wants you out, the longer you stay, the more leverage you will have in a D settlement. That said, don't give up!

My situation involved an OM as I said, and I also suspect OM based on your wife's actions. It so hard to believe that she would be distant and disengaged for so long without someone else involved. If she has someone else who is making her feel loved, then she's getting the support she needs to act this way. Either that or she's just super cold, and if that's the case, you would have known that about her.

I read a couple great things lately that helped me. One is that the "in love" feeling that your wife refers to is always temporary. It lasts from months to years, but generally not more than 2 years. The "in love" feeling alters your brain chemistry, and makes you overlook the flaws of your lover. After that wears off, your spouses flaws start to bother you, and love becomes work. That's the brutal reality of it.

From that point, to the degree you are both getting your needs met, you will be motivated to do the work to keep things going. Part of that motivation is feeling loved by the other person. I recommend reading "The 5 Love Languages" if you have not done so already, very eye-opening. If your needs are not being met in the way you need them met, eventually you will get increasingly desperate / unhappy and one outlet for that is an affair, another is divorce / separation, or resigning yourself to misery.

If you haven't yet, check out the book, it could really help your situation, or at the very least give you something productive to discuss with your W about her needs when you do MC.

--Accuray

[NYCPeter]

Ok - well this is a shocker (maybe not to some on here).

I called to speak to my girls, phone was picked up by D6 and we chatted for a while about here day (I'm so looking forward to seeing them tomorrow).
D6 says "Mommy wants to speak to you" - great....

W - Did you get my text
M - Yes, I plan on coming back on Friday
W - Peter I'm serious
M - So am I
W - This is the only avenue left to try to fix our M (meaning trial seperation)
M - I don't think that's the case - lets talk tomorrow
W - You don't get it - if we don't seperate I plan on filing
M - (After catching my breath) - I really think we should discuss this in person
W - Ok, but I'm not changing my mind.
M - Speak tomorrow.

Now what?? I stay in the house, she says she'll file. Moving out is not something I want to do, but she may file anyway.

How do I turn this around? How do I make staying in the house not about me? It's obviously beneficial to the girls.

Help....

[Endeavour]

Peter, I would not move out if I was in your position, and certainly not before I spoke to a lawyer. Besides, if your W really wants to file, she will file whether you move back or not. I'm of the mind-set that whomever wants the separation should be the one to move out. She should not be making threats like that either.

Anyway, I'm sorry about the Anniversary bomb. I got one of those too. Tacky. Even if I wanted a D (and quite frankly I'm feeling like the WAS these days), I wouldn't be so insensitive.

Hang in there, Peter. See a lawyer and do what's best for your kids. (Personally, I think that's staying in the house).

[Endeavour]

There may well be OM - and I would like to know if that's the case so I can at least determine the best course of action and approach. As she has flat-out denied this and there is no proof I am not sure what else I can do.

Oh, and I couldn't find proof of an ow either. And my H denied, denied, denied...right up until the day the idiot ow called our house. I also thought my H didn't have the time for an A because he was always around. Turns out, he didn't see ow often, but often enough.

[NYCPeter]

Thanks E - but with our D9's CP, it would be impossible for W to move out. I then appear selfish (at least in her mind) for not doing so.

I suspect her divorcee friend is influencing her (she posted on FB a couple of times about how she spent time with my W this w/e, at the street fair, at the gym). Nothing I can do about that.

Work is also stressful at the moment (small company, lost a major client recently) - as if there's not enough going on in my life. As the sole breadwinner I need to re-up my efforts at work to make sure I don't lose my job,

[Endeavour]

That certainly complicates things, Peter. Could you say that you are moving back until you speak to a lawyer? Certainly she can't fault you for protecting yourself and your children? Also, with your D's CP, it's selfish of her to ask you to move out as well.

[~ kd ~]

NYC, she is either bluffing about filing... or she's not...

here's the deal... first, as others mention above, don't leave the marital home... may not look good, legally...

second, when there's an ultimatum like D played, there's always another card being held... it's either an OM and she worries she'll have to go underground more, or she doesn't want to actually deal with the elephant in the room... ie. actually facing the poor R and working on it...

If she needs time alone, let her know that she is always welcome to do her own things on her own time. And yes, play the kids and cost (of separate homes).

[NYCPeter]

Thanks for all the responses.

I like the point about time alone - it's bery hard to shake off the idea of an OM. If she has "just" fallen out of love with me - it doesn't really explain the seperate or D option.

Either way I'll find out more tomorrow evening.