Are there any midlife women who want daily sex?

[25yearsmlc]

Tea,

Though there are clearly similarities in you and SSM's situation, I read a few key differences.

One of the marriages lacks physical affection/contact, whereas the other is fine with touching but no actual sex.

I don't think the root problem is the same for you guys

but I need to be careful so I don't blurt out something that can sound hurtful. I want to avoid that.


SSm's wife says she has [i]never had an orgasm...and that's pretty unusual.
He hoped she would grow into liking sex and he has equated his self pleasing with high libido and good performance, so he is genuinely at a loss as to what to do.

WHereas your wives both did like sex and did have orgasms...

Meaning at one point you had a good sex life w/present w, in the past, but it faded out on your w's end.

Tea, since your w once enjoyed sex, but now doesn't want it, to me that means her libido has changed/decreased due to physiological reasons,

OR[/i] it changed due to an emotional issue that blocks her libido.

A drop in libido happens twice in most womens' lives. The first major drop in over half of women occurs and could be hormonal AND situational--arriving

after the birth of a child, particularly a 2nd or subsequent child,& leads most couples having about a 2 year decrease in sex. (Probably also affects the statistics.

The hormones do drop (My OB likened the hormonal changes from childbirth to the changes in reaching puberty EXCEPT we reach puberty over several years whereas childbirth hormonal changes happen over a few days--

So the child is born and our hormones drop dramatically fast.
But then -parents/wives are exhausted by the demands of 2+ small children, sleep deprivation-never to be underestimated.. so of course they want sleep and help! If they don't get it, a lot of resentment builds.

2 years later it seems to be better partly b/c the work load lessens, the h helps more, and their hormones are back on track, sleep has returned.


The other time most women feel a drop in libido is around menopause.

That happens, physiologically, to a lot of women but there are treatments for it.

The other reason for decreased libido (the non physical reasons) is emotional, and that has to do with the marriage, (sexual issues or others that affect the sex)

OR

some traumatic event completely unrelated but with relevant effects on YOU.

You both say the marriages are otherwise fine, somehow compartmentalizing it well....

I'm betting your w does not compartmentalizeas well, but lets something else interfere with her letting you in, (e.g., a resentment, a fear, something there-a real marital issue OR an emotional issue not of your making

but with great impact on your marriage.

I don't think it's that complicated. But I think it's a tough issue for you, no doubt.

FWIW I have a brother who was, simply put, pretty lousy in bed. HE divorced a great woman b/c, according to him, "she was frigid."

Since my sisters and I knew sil well, and had friends who had dated that brother, unfortunately we knew better & we were sort of outraged.

Bad enough he's leaving HER, and breaking her heart, but here he was publicly bad mouthing her for sexual problems that really belonged to HIM...

He also ignored how much weight he gained ( a lot ) so he wasn't very appealing (and maybe not strong enough for certain positions?)

For sure he was not a generous lover. Things he liked/requested done to him, were not reciprocated, and he seemed not to "get" that intercourse alone doesn't always satisfy a woman, although it's easier for HIM. Basically he felt if she didn't get an O from his 3 minutes of aimless foreplay, too bad for her.

So Needless tells me his wife has "never had an O" or implies that SHE has the whole problem, I get curious about the MAN...

but I also have a brother who was experienced and prided himself on pleasing his many lovers. He made every effort to please his wife.

She was someone who let issues lke undone laundry or him being late 3 days earlier, "stop" her from feeling in the mood. She always had an obstacle course for him to navigate. (btw I have 5 brothers who talk about this issue from very different perspectives.)

ANYHOW-Though YAH made it to the other side in his m, successfully, he did so with an ultimatum he was willing to fulfill. He meant what he said.

it does not sound as if you are ready to give your w an ultimatum and I understand that.

See what you think of Cyrena's post.

And let us know how we can help.