It looks like both SSMGuy and I have some difficulty in explaining the perspective of both loving a person AND having a this sexual portion of our relationship be completely unsatisfactory. ....
I'll see if I can provide an analogy that makes sense.
Let's say I wanted to explain the concept of balance on a bicycle. I can describe all the actions and motor skills needed to coordinate the act of powering, steering, braking, speed control, etc. to keep the bicycle upright and I can say that if you can take all those steps and not fall over, that you've achieved *balance* but I really haven't described balance or the sensation of balance, have I? And if you've never ever ridden a bicycle, there is no experience reference to tap into to *know balance*.
Those of us whom have been through these long droughts of sex and the lack of inimacy associated with sex know, experientially, what that is like internally, just like if you've ridden a bicycle, there is an experience of balance that you can tap into....
...In that way, I understand what SSMGuy is speaking of in that our experiences are similar and we've both developed a level of love for our spouses that is powerful enough to keep us from just walking away because of the lack of sex. We can love them and still not let the absence of sexual intimacy destroy our relationship.
Yet he, like I, know there is something missing from our relationships.
...These intimate experiences are also what part of what built the love we feel today and the absence is what we miss...if they can be redeveloped and how they can be redeveloped. And there is a choice to be made in the context of a lot of other issues, to what extent we allow the lack of sex to dominate or even destroy a marriage.
...Finally, there is a duality that we deal with where we love our spouses and yet when we look carefully at this specific topic and the lack of sex and intimacy, we can be extremely dissatisfied and discouraged. I would love to bring back some level of normalcy. We are both far enough down the road that the express or implied claims that we are getting what we deserve just aren't useful.
The Captain
That was a great discussion. Thank you.
After a number of years one does share such profound experiences with another person, that not sharing a future with them seems almost impossible. That is a different level of "love" or bonding than most people know.
I think I understand that and how it can create a situation where one is committed to saving their marriage no matter what or at least preserving the "illusion" of their marriage for themselves, their children, their family and their friends.
While I am committed to my marriage, there was a time where my wife was treating me in ways that were very destructive to the fabric of our marriage. She knew me and was succeeding in alienating me and deeply emotionally hurting me. Yet, I still loved her and wanted to try to save the marriage.
For us, sex was the battleground, or should I say lack of sex was the battleground that my wife choose. Her real reasons were her issues and her anger at me. Some of the anger was real and based on things I had done earlier in our M (my not supporting her enough emotionally when the children were young) and some of her anger was her way of not accepting responsibility for some of her self-image issues and sexual hang ups.
With luck and help, I learned a lot and changed who I was, and how I treated my wife. With even greater luck and help, my W saw the changes I had made, felt really loved, changed herself and how she treated me. That allowed us to rebuild our relationship. It still isn't perfect but it is far better.
There is always hope, if we don't give up. If we give up then we are accepting things as they are. That may be because the pain associated with change is real and we want to avoid rocking the boat.
I know that if my wife came down with some illness, it would be hard, but I would accept no intercourse with her. I would strive for intimacy and see how we could still try to meet each others sexual and arousal needs. Actually at some point in the future, I fully expect that I will need to cross that bridge. I hope I will be strong enough to walk the talk, when the time does come.
There is an interesting book that a sex therapist/doctor recommended to my wife, call Still Sexy after all these years. I recommend it to anyone in a really long term committed relationship. It is based on interviews with older women and it shares their viewpoints on sex, the lack of sex in their lives and how some of them compensate by adding sensuality to their lives.
I know Captain, that you deeply love you W and are willing to stay even without sex and wish your relationship included sex. Someday I hope that you and your wife can find a way of reintrocusing some form of sex into your relationship as I know it would help strengthen the bond between you even more.
As to SSMguy, I really feel that he needs to focus on figuring out his wife's problems and working on himself as well. I think that by taking up a strong GAL program, we can serve as a role model to our spouse and maybe show them that change is possible.
I also think that SSMguy needs to change the dynamic in his relationship with his wife. He shouldn't be cruel to her or hurt her feelings. On the contrary, he should work on figuring out what is the source of her self-image and other problems and see what he can do to give her the love & confidence she needs and act as a sounding board for her so she can work through some of her issues to the best of her ability. If he can talk her into counseling all the better.
Again, rather than just accepting his situation, I recommend to SSMguy that he figure out what he needs to be happy and separate that from what he wants. Then I suggest that he work on a GAL program to meet some of the needs and work with his wife to see if together they can't meet the remaining needs.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
