...Sounds to me like for years you have been accepting "table scraps". .... not really realizing that she is conditioning you to come back begging for more.
You have been accepting bad sex, with the notion than any is better than nothing.....
...You'll never make progress unless she learns to love herself, and then by extension you. Does she masturbate? Is she comfortable with her own body, does she ever bother to dress sexy for herself? Weight and self esteem issues?
I skimmed through your thread and read that once in counseling she completely shut down when confronted about her own issues. She avoids her issues to avoid unresolved pain. It's easier to paint you as the deviant than deal with her own issues.
....Now that being said what can YOU do about it? Well step one would have been to no longer accept table scraps
...You are entitled to your libido whether you choose to sacrifice it or not for her is up to you.
Which brings me to my next question, how the heck can you keep the sexual issue away from the rest of your M.
...I am tempted to apply the "nice guy syndrome" label to you. Yet something is off. I don't know check out the book there's definitely a chapter about getting the sex you want, and not settling for scraps.
Another read that comes to mind is passionate marriage by schnarch. Almost pretty sure she won't go for it. Yet I'm reminded of the chapter where he convinced a woman to start masturbating and take control of her sex life. Once she felt in charge she was more comfortable sharing herself....
GB you are wise beyond your years.
Smmguy, I think that GB, The Captain, 25yearsmlc, and Cyrena have all given you good advice.
You can come here, vent, complain and get some sense of relief/support on this website. I know that helped me.
However, at some point you need to either accept your situation as acceptable and then embrace it or work at change. You can't force your wife to change or do things she doesn't want to.
You are mostly in control of yourself and you can change yourself. You can change how you treat her and that may change how she feels by making her feel more loved, safe and supported.
You seem to value your marriage and want to preserve it, but are upset over the lack of sex. (Which I think is natural) If you are really upset, then you need to change the dynamics within your relationship.
GB is right in that you through your interaction with your wife over time have "conditioned" her or "reinforced" a behavioral pattern that you no longer like. The first thing you need to do is figure out a different way of interacting with her that reinforces desired behaviors from her.
Sometimes a professional marriage conselor or sex therapist can help modify that relationship dynamic when both sides have given up.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
