Are there any midlife women who want daily sex?

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

25....

It looks like both SSMGuy and I have some difficulty in explaining the perspective of both loving a person AND having a this sexual portion of our relationship be completely unsatisfactory. Let me suggest that the difficulty comes from seeing things they way you are (and the way you see it and would react) rather than the way we are about our sex lives. In comparison to our current situations, I think either of us would find the attitude that you've shared a refreshing choice.

I'll see if I can provide an analogy that makes sense.

Let's say I wanted to explain the concept of balance on a bicycle. I can describe all the actions and motor skills needed to coordinate the act of powering, steering, braking, speed control, etc. to keep the bicycle upright and I can say that if you can take all those steps and not fall over, that you've achieved *balance* but I really haven't described balance or the sensation of balance, have I? And if you've never ever ridden a bicycle, there is no experience reference to tap into to *know balance*.

Those of us whom have been through these long droughts of sex and the lack of inimacy associated with sex know, experientially, what that is like internally, just like if you've ridden a bicycle, there is an experience of balance that you can tap into.

Another analogy...chess. I can tell you all the moves the individual pieces can make and the rules associated with those moves (white moves first, "check" occurs when the king is put into direct threat of being captured by an opposing piece, checkmate occurs when the king is both under threat of being captured but is unable to be moved to a position on the chess board where the king is no longer "in check," the checking of the king must always be answered in the responding move, the king can never be moved into check, etc.). I can also point out the various outcomes (a win is secured by checkmate of the opposing king or the resignation of the opposing king, loss is when you are checkmated or resign, a draw where both parties agree there is no easy path to a win though a win/loss would likely occur if one plays long enough, and then a stalemate where a king is not in check but there are no moves available that would not put the king in check).

And you would know the rules of the game. Ironically, the queen is the most powerful piece on the board in terms of the range of moves available whereas the king is allowed to plod along only one square at a time. But knowing the rules of the game does not mean that you "know chess" or understand the game. Oh, you can play, and with another inexperienced player you might be able to play along for quite a while. It is far more difficult to see the board in a way where both strategy and tactics come together and that comes with experience.


In that way, I understand what SSMGuy is speaking of in that our experiences are similar and we've both developed a level of love for our spouses that is powerful enough to keep us from just walking away because of the lack of sex. We can love them and still not let the absence of sexual intimacy destroy our relationship.

Yet he, like I, know there is something missing from our relationships. We have a differing view of how *good* our sex lives were with our respective spouses. And where he brings up inexperience (and by extension a certain naivety) in the early days of his relationship and the perceived sexual satisfaction, I'm willing to bet it was not so much the act or the physical orgasm that became valued as it was the intimacy that extended from and through the sexual act. It wasn't about jumping up and saying "okay, we're done." It was about laying there being with one another. And lets face it, there is nothing quite like that experience. OTOH, my sexual experience with my two wives at the beginning were outstanding (even if my first wife was the one to whom I gave up my virginity, I made up for lack of experience pretty quickly).

These intimate experiences are also what part of what built the love we feel today and the absence is what we miss...if they can be redeveloped and how they can be redeveloped. And there is a choice to be made in the context of a lot of other issues, to what extent we allow the lack of sex to dominate or even destroy a marriage.

However, extending the chess analogy, what we have been dealing with is the changing of the rules, what pieces can be played, when, etc.

Finally, there is a duality that we deal with where we love our spouses and yet when we look carefully at this specific topic and the lack of sex and intimacy, we can be extremely dissatisfied and discouraged. I would love to bring back some level of normalcy. We are both far enough down the road that the express or implied claims that we are getting what we deserve just aren't useful.

The Captain