Hi Shiney! Congrats on the great plans to break in the New Year! Isn't it amazing to look back on how things were and how HOPELESS they seemed?
Now look at you! You are hope for so many here.
I've truthfully not read back too far on your thread, but I will because I could really use some success stories to keep me hanging in there, and also to maybe glean some idea's of what NOT to do.
Things are not very clear to me. I seem to bounce around doing things that work for awhile, then to have H distance and have to try something else.
The guilt thing made me think.
People on here talk about how guilty their WAS feels, or supposedly feels. Maybe some of them even convey that to their S.
In my opinion, I think guilt is better than indifference. By that I mean seemingly not feeling much of anything about what the WAS did and how it effected us and our family.
I guess I'm speaking of my own sitch where my H does not appear to feel guilty. I'm not sure if he's that way from living in denial about his actions or he's just not totally out of the fog yet.
Either way, when they realize the impact of what they've done they are bound to feel guilt.
I think it's a step in the right direction, but not one they should get stuck in.
As I've said before, I was a WAS 12 yrs ago. I know guilt. The hardest thing after you betray someone is to forgive yourself, BUT.... you have to get past the denial.
Until I really woke up and realized I wanted my M and that I had made a HUGE mistake, I pretty much felt justified because of all the same reasons these WAS give us.
I didn't feel loved or wanted, I was no longer "in love," things have been bad for a LONG time, ect.
I was stuck in guilt for quite awhile and finally figured out it was self defeating and I asked God and my H for forgivness.
I do wonder if my H felt justified in his A since he'd been through it with me. He say's no, but I wonder if he ever truly forgave me. He's not one to let go of things.
Maybe he thinks now we're even. I don't know. I DO know my A lasted only 2 months and I broke it off and the OM died, so he was no longer a threat.
My H had a very long term A and then continued to talk to her after we were back together, AND....she's alive. The closure for me has to come from the strength of our R.
Since he runs hot and cold, I'm pretty insecure about it most of the time. I'm trying to let go of alot of that insecurity because THAT is self defeating as well. Definately hard to do, but not impossible.
If your H is in the guilt stage more than likey he will move through it eventually, but do you see how they HAVE to feel that in the process of them truly coming out of the fog? Does this make any sense?? Rachael
