Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[adinva]

Hi - I just read all of your story and wow. You have been very strong through an incredibly tough time. It is inspiring to me. I have a couple of comments I hope might be helpful...

while at the park, he started texting with OW. I have asked him in the past to please not do it - it hurts my feelings and I find it disrespectful. He doesn't agree and so he does it. (BTW, he also did it at the hospital) And it triggers me. Some times I can ignore this behavior (like in the hospital) and sometimes I cannot - like in the park where I acted distant for the rest of the evening. And so I missed an opportunity to really have fun and connect with him and show him that we can improve our R.

I've learned a lot in the past few months about what went wrong in my M, and setting boundaries and respecting them was part of our problem. Shortcut to the technique I was taught... ask for an agreement (will you not text when you're with me), get his answer (no - and he has a right to say no), and decide what your action will be then (I have a hard time being with you when I notice that you're texting a lot, so when I notice it I will leave). Then, you don't get mad with him in the situation, you just recognize the emotion you're feeling and implement the solution you decided on. It's no longer passive aggressive because you've discussed that you're going to leave. Passive aggressive is if you just leave and expect him to mind-read that it's about the texting. I wonder if others can give feedback on this. It has been helpful framework for me.

MIL thinks I leave her poor son alone with the 3 kids so I can go have fun

I spent a lot of time feeling outraged in my sitch, and you have even more right than me to. But bottom line is you can't control others' opinions. Your MIL may come to know the extent of what he's done and still not side with you. People may think you drove him away, or whatever. No one can get inside your marriage and know what really happened and who's at fault. It stinks, but IMO you need to let go of worrying about what others think. I don't think you're responsible for helping him maintain his cover, and definitely not responsible for bringing him out into the open. If the falseness of cheering him on at his games bothers you, tell him that and stop going. Just my 2 cents, but it's been a struggle for me to let go of what the neighbors will think, and I'm not completely there yet. I just think I'm kidding myself if I think the world's opinion is going to bring him back to me. It's got to happen inside his own head.

Also, can you afford a babysitter or a mom's morning out kind of thing? You need to get some relief so you're not dependent on him for your only breaks.

Stay strong - you have made so much progress on yourself!