Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Q of S -

Thanks again for the feedback. You make very good points. I will be looking into co-dependency - it's something I need more clarity on.

I think I was unclear about my approach with H regarding taking care of him. I always just offer him things - would he like some dinner, pain meds, etc. Even when he called me saying he was in the hospital, I thought very carefully of my approach.
a) Why was he calling ME and telling me about being in the hospital?
b) how should I react

I determined it was a call for attention (he does this often) and since a complaint of his is how I neglected him, I offered to come over and keep him company, if he was bored. So I made sure he made the determination and asked me for it. He said "that would be nice." This is our usual dynamic - I offer and if he accepts I do it. If he doesn't, I don't pressure or plead. I just drop it. Unfortunately, I attend to his needs, and later he will treat me badly or rudely (at least in my mind, because he never feels he treats me rudely), and therefore, I end up getting mad at myself for putting myself in that position.

Ex: I invited him to come to the park and dinner with us yesterday. He said "that would be nice." Yet, while at the park, he started texting with OW. I have asked him in the past to please not do it - it hurts my feelings and I find it disrespectful. He doesn't agree and so he does it. (BTW, he also did it at the hospital) And it triggers me. Some times I can ignore this behavior (like in the hospital) and sometimes I cannot - like in the park where I acted distant for the rest of the evening. And so I missed an opportunity to really have fun and connect with him and show him that we can improve our R.

For me the challenge is that no matter how much I prepare mentally for such triggers, IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH - plain and simple. DBing is great in theory, but soooo hard in real life. How do you act as if, when he is tearing your heart all the time and is completely unaware of it?

I am also upset about enabling him - for example - nobody at his office even knows we are separated and it's been almost NINE months! (he says his boss will use it against him and accuse him of being "distracted" - H is having a lot of problems at work). So I have to smile when co-workers make comments about us during softball games. Ex - when he got hurt the other night, a co-worker was telling me that I would need to really get him an ice treatment and pain meds when get got home...)

Even with my MIL - whom I love dearly it's complicated. She also doesn't know anything about OW, yet H has asked her to babysit for him when it's his turn to watch the kids next weekend, so he can go up north to see OW for her birthday. I have no idea what excuse he gave her, but MIL thinks I leave her poor son alone with the 3 kids so I can go have fun (never mind this is the ONLY time I have for myself all week...) I have not said anything to her or anyone in his family - so I am enabling him to continue lying to them while he makes me look like a bad wife. He is slowly changing the story... and I will end up looking like the bad guy
I am totally of the idea of not calling him out, but how did I end up actually helping cover up for him??? I have somehow become part of the lie and that kills me! I feel like if I expose his lies, I will set myself free (but also absolutely kill any change to save my M). OTOH, I just don't see any hope at this point...
Any opinions on this? I don't want his family (specially MIL) to think I am the bad guy here...

It's not my place to bring it all out in the open. And unfortunately, H is not really hanging out with anyone who would be able to try to give him a different POV. H doesn't want anyone to tell him he may be acting wrong, so he has really pulled away from anyone and everyone that used to be part of our lives and only hangs out with his "new friends", those who "really know who he is now."

I am starting to think maybe he is going thru a midlife crisis, but what good does it do me?

I don't know that I can continue with this, and acting AS IF. I love this man (or the one that I used to know) and seeing him act like an Xss and hurting me and our children is unbearable most of the time...

I feel like anger is coming back to me - I had found forgiveness and peace before I found out about OW... and now anger is coming back BIG TIME.

I wish I could take some time off - maybe not see him for a few days, but that is impossible with our kids. I need some distance and detachment - I cannot seem to get there on my own yet...

I continue to GAL - continue exercising (will participate in a 10k next week and a sprint triathlon in 2 weeks).
Had dinner with friend tonight.
Spent time with parents yesterday.
Taking kids to swim lessons twice a week and spending time with them in the afternoons.

one day at a time...