Aside from wishing your cramps pass quickly I will try to give some thought to your question and give you some answers. Yes, it was maybe July when I forgave myself. I believe it was before David moved out of the house, but I am not positive.
But what kept it alive was with the problem of not being able to reconcile my actions with my image of myself, the guilt was always there and if I was guilty and this horrible person I didn't deserve to be happy.
So when my horse died and my dog a month later, Lucy with feet problems that are life affecting, Patty possibly having to be put down. These were all things that I deserved to have happen because of the horrible person I was and of course I didn't DESERVE to be happy.
I believe strongly that my guilt contributed to my depression and to my eventual neurotic care and concern of the animals health. They kept dying to punish me for my sins.
This is not a pretty picture and this is what David dealt with on a daily basis.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
