HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[AloneAt35]

Thanks Telemark, yes, you are exactly correct on the ages when we met (though in our defense, he didn't 'date' me till I turned 16 because we waited on that aspect of the R). I screwed up my life BIG TIME. Why did I do that?

After he left, I had the weirdest dreams. The dreams were that my life was like it was before I met him: I was in tenth grade with my tenth grade friends, going to choir, ballet lessons, riding the 'late bus', doing high school stuff with my high school friends. It was so weird, it went on night after night after night - I'd close my eyes and BINGO, I was back in 10th grade. Then it dawned on me that I was dreaming that because it is the only life I know without him...and I can't go back to THAT! I never felt so lost.

I got very little 'life skills' between then and now, and now I am learning at light speed and the FEAR is so overwhelming that I will lose it at any moment. Like tomorrow I have to order checks from the bank, I have never done that and I actually feel fear and dread over doing it.

It is so much easier when he doesn't contact me. I shudder when I hear his voice, see his emails or anything.

Thanks for your support. Yes, the thoughts consume me, yet I have no pretense of him ever coming back.

Its just the way it is. Boy everything he ever complained about me after he left, I've changed: I'm independent, don't rely on anyone for anything, I'm skinny as a rail, I work all the time...I guess that I made all of the changes that would have attracted him back but it didn't work. OW won.

Another bad thing is that you would not believe the men that see a single woman and get too friendly, and I don't like that at all.

Even in my support group (which is at CHURCH!), I feel weird that there are men there. Strange men who want to sit right next to you and give you a too long hug.

That is life now I guess. Ugh. Internet support is so much easier.