You will not be able to "understand" a WAW. What you needed to do was understand when she was your real wife. She doesn't see herself in that role at this stage. She is different from the person you M, right? She may or may not ever find that person again. So, it's a very serious state.

I think the LBH experiences fear,(which is normal, IMHO) b/c he doesn't want to lose his family. He is confused at what's happening to his W that has turned her into somebody he doesn't know. He begans feeling very desparate to do something to save the M and the family.

So, what you're feeling is to be expected. However, you cannot operate out of fear. As long as fear is the motivation, you are sure to mess up in the DBing part. First thing you need to do....starting right now, is to get in control of fear....insead of it controlling you!

This is so important when DBing. A WAW can smell the fear in her LBH and it seems to make her act very nasty toward him. It is a huge turn-off to her, and that's why she won't respect you and why she doesn't want to be around you. But I suspect that has been in the works for a while now.

My H has a habit of not getting into "projects" around the house. He, like you, does not see the hurry about it. He is much that way about everything in life. He use to be very passive. Do you think you fall into that catagory?I've notice my son has done the same thing in his M. He's just pretty much handed his W the reigns and whatever she wants to do.....that's fine. And all the time, he's got his head in the computer games or TV. Guess what? She recently told him she's not happy. You see, women don't like men who will not take care of the things that needs to done. And they sure don't like to come home from work to find the H has spent his day doing anything except what would mean an awful lot to her. However, now that you've tried to do those jobs "after" she's left you....she won't be too impressed, and probably think that you way to pull her back in.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!