Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[AntoniaB]

I guess he's got an accurate view of the past. I remember once he moved out of spew mode he did say that he thought only the final 2 years were bad and he said that it was mostly him putting me through a nightmare and that I deserved so much better than that.

See I guess this is where I'm standing but not--in that, I don't want to do anything that horribly jeopardizes something FAR FAR down the road with him, and I know that me arguing with him when he's still batchit will cause that. I know he really thinks that he's navigating this all beautifully, in that I really believe him when he says that he has "always" kept me and OW separate in that he never mentions the other to the one he's talking to. I think in a lot of ways he has this view that of the type of guys who cheat, he's not "so bad" because he really didn't fight me on the divorce settlement, I made out slightly better than he did in a 50/50 state, he didn't get one pet out of all, and he pretty much left with what he came with and half the cost of the house, which over the years, he did pay a lot more towards than me.

I guess I have to judge this by a longer time span and say, well, it's friendly and not heartless and cold, which was the way he USED to communicate with me.

IB I know what you mean when you suggest that no contact might be best for me as I do react when he writes this crazy stuff...

HOWEVER, this is where I am with that...I have been going to meditation class for over a month now and have really thrown myself into learning a lot about the Buddhist way of living your life, and I've done a ton of reading and for the first time ever, a "spiritual path" if you will is attractive to me. I was force-fed a religion as a kid and rejected it all as an adult, and since the bomb, there are a lot of things that have pointed me in this direction, just really, a lot of people/chance occurences. And the reason I'm really gravitating toward it is that the BIGGEST problem I have with "everything" in a nutshell is that I am a person who fights against accepting "what is" to an absurd degree. I've done it for so long that I was a terribly anxious person, and XH fed that by giving in to me all the time. I was terrific at avoiding anything that might hurt me or scare me. I played everything safe all the time. I justified my actions all over the place, and I said "look I still accomplish a lot", but my life was truly ruled by fear.

When I started to go to meditation, that was in the same week he and I spoke for the first time in 5 months. That had become my "greatest fear". Just talking to him. And I forced myself to face it and I was so ok, that it has helped me to see that he's not all peachy, that I'm doing better than I thought, and that I can detach from needing him even more and I can work to remove him entirely if that's the direction my life takes, and I can still be happy.

So there are times, like today, that I start to think hmm...maybe you shouldn't allow him access to you if he can say potentially insane things that might hurt, and then the person learning Buddhism in me says "that's FEAR talking to you, face the fear, face him down, do NOT let him get to you. Read what he says, vent, wonder about it a few hours, and then let it pass like a cloud."

For me, that's a test--can I do that? I think I can, the more I practice it. And when I face down the anxiety with him, I can recall that when I have to face other anxieties.

I keep telling myself that I am "training" to be a person who better handles adversity by allowing him to have this access. I can always ignore what he says, or I can respond, but the main thing is that I face it and don't let it ruin my week, and I'm learning to do that.

If I start to feel a little antsy, honestly I go read another essay on learning to live with uncertainty and embracing that as much as you embrace a moment when things are perfect. The result is that I'm learning how to calm myself down. Yes I need a few hours to do it, but I'm down to a few hours now as opposed to days :-)