Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

[ericmsant2]

I'm not really trying to DB (or am I?)

Depends if you consider being the new YOU "DBing". IMO, if you are applying changes in your life for YOU because the benefit YOU, because they feel natural, well then IMO, you're not DB'ing as much as you are being YOU.

So can he

Yes he can and so can ANYONE, IF they CHOOSE TO.

You continue to amaze me Antonia....FWIW, I am proud of you girl!

God Bless,
Eric

[AntoniaB]

Wow. Got a short email from XH today. If you're following the story of our sporadic contact, the last I heard from him he sent two different very chatty emails telling me about his trip to Europe this summer (we never left the tri-state area in 23 years but he took OW to Europe) and he acted as if he was there alone when he told me about the trip. After the second email that mentioned that stuff, I just didn't bother writing back. It's just too f-ed up for words ;-)

So that was maybe 12 days ago. I just now got an email telling me that he got a thing in the mail for AAA that had both our names on it still. Then he said "but I think you told me you already have your own acct. so I just told them to cancel the renewal" (maybe he has a new car? I don't know why else he wouldn't need AAA anymore as his car was in worse shape than mine). So anyway, a total non-reason to email, really.

But here's the weirdness. He told me "so this wkend was the music festival...but only X and Y people went because Z and his girlfriend are in Germany. Enjoy!!"

???

Ok the "music festival": he and I when married went to this every year for like 15 years with the same group of friends. When he was cheating on me last year, he went with the group and took OW--and I asked the guy organizing it--"Z" above, who's in Germany now--to tell him that OW couldn't go. "Z"'s idea was to orchestrate the trip so that I could go for the first 24 hours and then my cheating husband (not even filed for divorce at the time, mind you) who was keeping his rel. secret otherwise, would show up day 2 with OW there. Why? Because "Z", guy I'd known as long as XH, didn't have the stones to say that XH was out of line for expecting that OW had the right to be on this trip with MY group of long-time friends. I told "Z" that if he didn't have any respect for me, enough to say to XH look, just chill and let Antonia have this one last trip with us, that my friendship with "Z" was over. My friendship with "Z" is now over.

AND...the other people in that group, X and Y that he mentioned above, have never contacted me or returned emails since XH betrayed me. That group is "dead" to me. They could have supported BOTH me and XH but they chose to just not deal with the hard person to deal with--the betrayed one. So fine. We're done.

NOW, I ask you, Why the F is my XH emailing me today, in the middle of the music fest that was a tradition for all of us for 15 years, to tell me who is there? AND, ending his email with "ENJOY!"

???

What should I do? My instinct is to rattle off a "these people are dead to me, why are you telling me this," but then usually I stop with my instinct, pull back, and just do nothing...i.e. don't get caught up in his drama and ignore him.

What do you think? Is my XH turning into Brookie's XH?? ;-)

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know Brookie's h.

And I would not say a word about the former friends.

(while my h was gone for 2 years, and I had our d's here, my mil and bil never once called to check in or say hello to them or me. Too "uncomfortable"? WTH?

but honestly it is THEIR loss. I say good riddance. Can you imagine how "secure" Z's w must feel...just saying)

BUT back to why your h would send this note...wth?


I don't want to add to your confusion or misery, but it seems almost cruel to me.

Ignore it, or ask why he's telling you? Have you ever said you are not interested in hearing from him?

I guess I don't know the status of your feelings towards h enough to comment further.

But if this is a reach out from him, he sure is going about it weirdly.

Sorry!

[seeking answers]

Antonia,

Weird is right. Is he telling you the coast is clear for you to go enjoy the rest of the music festival? Or am I reading it wrong?

[AntoniaB]

Brookie: Brooklyn.

Oh I know, good riddance. Obviously that set of friends is just fair-weather. They were all guys--that might have something to do with it--but for the one who actually I forgot is married to the guy who isn't there, the couple in Germany. Yeah I was supposed to officiate at their wedding....and of course I wasn't there...and OW was.

Our status is that a month ago we talked when the hurricane hit and he expressed concern for my house and pets. After that I was cordial to him on an email where he talked about work--I said some supportive things--that seemed to trigger his guilt--and he wrote me this apology of sorts that was better than past apologies but still not really a "real" apology. To that I just replied that I accepted his apology and that I was happier as an individual than I'd ever been and was finding a lot of contentment and my life was good.

Since then, he's just sort of opened the floodgates from time to time with being "his old self" with me but of course, he's with OW. His pattern is to email when something comes in the mail that has my name on it or whatever, and then write about that, the subject line will relate to that, and then he'll tag on other stuff, like what he did this weekend, or he'll start complaining about his job. He sent it at 3:30--and that would be when he'd get home. We always got home between 3 and 4 from that festival on a Sunday.

I just checked OW's theater schedule--she's in a play at 3pm. So...he got home...he's alone. He emails me.

I think he misses me. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

He's in so deep, he wouldn't think this was cruel. He'd just say "well you said you were happy" and "you accepted my apology."

Honestly the pattern seems to be that when she isn't around, he finds reasons to sporadically email--the emails always come when he's in his free period at work which probably doesn't coincide with hers, or when she is performing in some show.

[beatrice]

well, you could not answer . . . which is probably what I would do, or you could say 'I am not quite sure what the point of the email was'.

Thoughtless and insensitive, but then he is a MLCer . . . . I have been told that these guys go on thinking about us. Which must be terrific fun for OW

definitely on a different bus from the rest of us . . . Probably wants life to be OK again, and not have to feel bad. Although it is him that is making himself feel bad, but there you go.

[irishblessings]

Antonia - I can't help but think no contact is the best road for you. Every time there is contact it leaves you confused and spending too much time thinking about him. If YOU had wanted to go to the festival YOU would have gone. He seems to not get that. I'm sorry you have to go through this - FWIW - no contact seems healthier.

[AntoniaB]

Music fest ended today. He must have sent that email when he got home from it.

So the "enjoy" makes no sense. Normally he ends with "enjoy your sabbatical" or "enjoy your writing."

I don't know...part of me does feel like emailing just something like this:

"Thanks for the AAA headsup. The rest of the email was pretty cruel."

That will trigger a "why", likely...which then I guess I'd have to answer? Like I said, he'd probably say something stupid like "I thought you were ok with everything." I guarantee you that he took what I said about MY being in a good place to mean that he did the right thing. He only hears what he wants to hear.

That's why my other instinct is to ignore him entirely.

[25yearsmlc]

someone around here said there ought to be a

hug and slap button on this site.

That way, we can hugs to you and a slap to your idiot h.

That's all I have now- sorry.

[beatrice]

Always worth remembering what my good friend says - they are nuts, and as long as you remember that, everything else falls into place. If you are expecting rationality or normal behaviour, you won't get it.