WEll, Pam, I could sure relate to you today...cramps and feeling like YUCK! Worst I've experienced and probably 1/4 of what you put up with each month!
I think it might have something to do with me messing up my BC pills last month...paying for it now!
Could be worse, this could be New Year's Eve! I have faith I'll be all better tomorrow.
H and I had a blast shopping...God she is SO much fun! We shared a dressing room when we could and showed each other where the majority of the 20+ pounds we gained this year has wound up. We were laughing so freakin' hard I'm sure they were ready to call security on us.
There is some precedence here as in Aug of '02 security WAS called on us in the mall bathroom when I was adhering a fake tatoo to her lower back in the handicapped stall!
I found some awesome jewellery (40% off!). It matches the tank and black blouse I'm wearing for New Year's eve. I've been wearing the same 2 or 3 sets of earrings and two necklaces forever, so this was a lot of fun. Even got a matching bracelet.
Before we left, CJ said to me...don't let H talk you into buying stuff (she's a bit of a free spirit with her credit card )...but I am NOT a child!
So in Suzy Sheer she tried on this nice simple red top, but it rode too high on the waist for her (she's 5' 8") so I tried it on...it's great! Even better it cost me $2.50!!!
So she bugged Wayne when we got home, telling him I bought something for $250!
D and H stayed and visited. D had just had a doctor's visit to get some quit smoking tips...he has bad lungs and both of them smoke...H not so much.
D also sees that his drinking has gotten out of hand, so that's the next goal for the new year. H found herself drinking more out of defeat or just to join him, so she's going to cut back too.
I said to her that I'm pretty sure that SOME of our 20+ pounds is due to alcohol (especially the creamy drinks we like ), so she slapped first one, and then the other of her thighs and said..."Meet Panama and Jack" so I slapped the old back fat and said "Meet Baha and Rosa!".
We both want to get in shape this year, but we also just love ourselves and eachother just as we are!
Yes the shopping trip was a blast, but it seems like H can make ANYTHING fun...she has the spirit of a young child.
Both of her parents died of cancer before she was 13. Her dad first, then her Mom...she nursed her mom to her passing.
She was then shuffled off to an evil aunt and cousin who repeatedly molested her. She fought and won her emancipation by age 16...met and married D by 18.
She's had her share of anxiety problems...one of the things that got us tight as friends.
Although she (and I) shudder at the thought of HAVING children, she herself seems to nurture that fun, new, explorative, curious, impulsive, expansive, childlike side of her nature. I love her!
I was just pondering on some of the issues that have been discussed on other threads...stuff about the mind set of the WAS.
I KNOW that CJ had convinced himself that our M was over before he started A #1...he told me so himself. He thought I didn't love him, he didn't love me...there was no hope.
Yes, we can ask until the cows come home: "Why didn't he TELL me?? What was there to lose in expressing this deep unhappiness instead of turning to an A???"
CJ says he was afraid...
Freud would have a hey day discussing the ego defense mechanisms at work here:
1) Denial : denial of wrong-doing, denial of former feelings, denial of pain caused to others, denial of the mundane realities of life (Like OW had CJ convinced he could just hop on a plane and settle our Sep and D, and the house sale, the division of property etc. from 2000 miles away!!!)
2) Rationalization: He/she drove me to it, this OP is my "soul mate", I deserve to be happy at any cost, Life is too short,
3) Repression/suppression : suddenly all good memories of us and our M are pushed out of memory OR they are denied...they were not "real" UGH!
4) Projection : Some of THEIR unsavoury, emotions traits and behaviours are thrown back on US...hence the cheating spouse becoming jealous, the angry spouse accuses us of rage etc.
5) Regression Seems to me many WAS revert back to teen aged behaviours and mentality
On these, at least, Freuds ideas have stood the test of time. We ALL use these and other ego defenses throughout our daily lives, they work to keep anxiety at bay and help us keep a positive view of ourselves.
BUT...when they are taken too far, they can and do cause untold misery...because they are, after all, distortions of the truth.
It was really like CJ was another person, the "alien" term is not far off at all. I wonder just how many people GO with the decisions made by this alter ego? What becomes of them?
I'm sure CJ shudders at the thought of where he COULD be right now!
I'm not justifying this mindset, I'm just saying that there are psychological mechanisms that people can and DO use to make their behaviours OK for them...for a time. And the sticker is...most of these mechanisms are TOTALLY UNCONSCIOUS!
Ultimately, CJ is having to face those decisions, those actions and try to reconcile them with his self concept.
Perhaps this is the hardest part of "coming back"...maybe it takes REAL ego strength to let down those defenses and take responsibility for, and make peace with? what they've done.
Quote: Ultimately, CJ is having to face those decisions, those actions and try to reconcile them with his self concept.
Perhaps this is the hardest part of "coming back"...maybe it takes REAL ego strength to let down those defenses and take responsibility for, and make peace with? what they've done.
Peace all!
Shiny
It is the hardest part whether you go back or not. To reconcile what you have done with the image you have of yourself and to forgive yourself for what you have done to someone who trusted you, whether there were other factors at work or not.
But that self-forgiveness is necessary to carry on with a whole life, I totally believe.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
thank you for your explanation - in it i see alot of things that i went thru when i was in the midst of my "crazy" time.
i am afraid that i might have seen a bit "red" in the discussion yesterday because i have been on both sides of the fence.
i had a longer post in here but i just erased it because when looking at it, it just looked like justification, and the last thing i want to do is justify my words
just wanting you to know that you are straight on in your explanation
)...but I am NOT a child! 
She fought and won her emancipation by age 16...met and married D by 18. 
