I was just pondering on some of the issues that have been discussed on other threads...stuff about the mind set of the WAS.
I KNOW that CJ had convinced himself that our M was over before he started A #1...he told me so himself. He thought I didn't love him, he didn't love me...there was no hope.
Yes, we can ask until the cows come home: "Why didn't he TELL me?? What was there to lose in expressing this deep unhappiness instead of turning to an A???"
CJ says he was afraid...
Freud would have a hey day discussing the ego defense mechanisms at work here:
1) Denial : denial of wrong-doing, denial of former feelings, denial of pain caused to others, denial of the mundane realities of life (Like OW had CJ convinced he could just hop on a plane and settle our Sep and D, and the house sale, the division of property etc. from 2000 miles away!!!)
2) Rationalization: He/she drove me to it, this OP is my "soul mate", I deserve to be happy at any cost, Life is too short,
3) Repression/suppression : suddenly all good memories of us and our M are pushed out of memory OR they are denied...they were not "real" UGH!
4) Projection : Some of THEIR unsavoury, emotions traits and behaviours are thrown back on US...hence the cheating spouse becoming jealous, the angry spouse accuses us of rage etc.
5) Regression Seems to me many WAS revert back to teen aged behaviours and mentality
On these, at least, Freuds ideas have stood the test of time. We ALL use these and other ego defenses throughout our daily lives, they work to keep anxiety at bay and help us keep a positive view of ourselves.
BUT...when they are taken too far, they can and do cause untold misery...because they are, after all, distortions of the truth.
It was really like CJ was another person, the "alien" term is not far off at all. I wonder just how many people GO with the decisions made by this alter ego? What becomes of them?
I'm sure CJ shudders at the thought of where he COULD be right now!
I'm not justifying this mindset, I'm just saying that there are psychological mechanisms that people can and DO use to make their behaviours OK for them...for a time. And the sticker is...most of these mechanisms are TOTALLY UNCONSCIOUS!
Ultimately, CJ is having to face those decisions, those actions and try to reconcile them with his self concept.
Perhaps this is the hardest part of "coming back"...maybe it takes REAL ego strength to let down those defenses and take responsibility for, and make peace with? what they've done.
