AA35,I can feel your pain and despair through your post. I empathize with you. You and I have been traveling this road for the same amount of time (I also got bombed in March).
Forgive me if this has been discussed before, but according to your sig lines, you've been with XP since you were 15 1/2? And he was 23 1/2? So emotionally you were both children, and neither of you had the opportunity to mature on your own. His departure threw you into a world you have never known and were not prepared to deal with. Right into the deep end of the pool; sink or swim.
Read the words 25yearsmlc has written and take them to heart. You've been able to get a job, an apartment, a car and to find a support group all in about 7 months. Some people may take years to get to that point, if at all. There are still a lot of loose threads in your life; that's normal. Everyone has those. Your raw nerves magnify the intensity of those loose threads.
I'll guess your XP and his relationship with the OW fill your head constantly. You think of how "happy" they are in their new little life and how much you are struggling to stay mentally, emotionally and financially afloat, right?
Yeah...me, too. And it doesn't change anything.
One of the biggest hurdles you, I and most others on this forum face is to not let our WAS's and WAP's constantly invade our thoughts. That is paralyzing. It prevents us from moving forward, from seeing ourselves as worthy, desirable people and from Getting A Life. Every time we let them back into our lives - whether it is by continued contact or simply by thinking of them - we allow them to direct our steps. We think we can save our relationships by prostrating ourselves and exposing our soft underbellies in the hope they will see what cruel and thoughtless people they have been.
That never works.
As 25 said, the best revenge is a life well-lived. Adopt the mind that allows you to live as if your XP did not exist. I know, that's much easier said than done, but it is the only way you will get through this and come out on the other side. Don't look for God's justice in the form of revenge against them; look for it in His care and comfort for you.
Every ounce of energy you spend thinking of them is an ounce of energy you did not spend taking care of yourself.
And that is the most important task you have in front of you.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
