Asked is probably too light of a word. I was basically told by my wife to move on.
There was a bday/college bound party at my ex's house for our daughter which I had been invited. I left early with my youngest staying behind (he usually stays with me while my oldest and middle child stay with their mother) after telling him to call me if he wants me to pick him up later.
A couple of hours later, my mil drops him off at my house.
About 15 min later, my w texts me (she rarely calls me) asking if our youngest was depressed because it didn't seem like he wanted to leave. After checking with him, he said he didn't want to stay. He added that he didn't feel comfortable with some of the people there. He wouldnt say who or why.
I texted back to w that he was fine. She responded that someone at the party said I tried to get him to leave with me. My response was that she knows me and knows that I wouldn't do that. She replied that she didn't think I would do that but wanted to check.
This is where it gets weird. She asks me if I told our middle child to say that I love our D and her. After thinking about it, I recalled that I often tell our son to say hi to W and D and to tell D I love her. I explained that to W and she was mad at S for "lying". I told her it was probably my fault for the way I said it, not being as clear as I should have.
For clarification, I do love W but there is no way I would tell her and I especially wouldn't have anyone, let alone our children, pass that message.
Meanwhile, our middle child, texted me all upset because his mom was upset with him for lying. I told him that it isn't his fault (I had already texted his mom to not be upset with him) since I was probably not clear.
Then things get worse. W sends a text that I didn't deny about loving her and that it is obvious to everyone (she didn't state who is "everyone") and that our kids want me to move on.
I restated that I didn't tell anyone to say that I love you. She sent back that it doesn't matter, that it is upsetting the kids that I haven't moved on.
I didn't bother responding.
While I know that some people on this board and some friends and family have suggested the same thing (meaning I should date) and I respect their opinion, I firmly believe that she exhibits MLC characteristics and know it can take a long time for her to go through her journey. Plus, she is in a relationship where I know the other person has shown they are threatened (marks their territory).
I promise that when I am around my W and others she knows, I am amiable but I do not act as though we are married, have been married, love her or any other action or words. My W loves and likes my mother. My mom has been with us on the last several get-togethers. The reason this is important is that my mom keeps me honest and will tell me if I am doing anything that would be anti-DBing.
My mom was completely shocked. She noticed that my Ws significant other was making sure my W and I were never around each other.
An oddity that my mom noticed was that when my mom and I were leaving, my W outstretched her arms which extended to me as if she was going to hug both of us. I had started to move toward our D to give her a hug so it didnt happen. W hugged my mom. I dont know how it could have been a habit as W and I have been separated for nearly five years. My mom talked to me about it on the way back to my place utterly surprised as I was.
Sorry to jump around like that.
Something else had happened earlier, when we first got there. W was outside, grilling, and I went out there to ask her if I should bring in Ds gift from grandma or wait. The gift was very large. I'm barely out there when Ws significant other comes outside to ask if she needs help adding "babe" to the question. Why worried? Ive never acted as we are married or been threatening. During our Ds grad party a couple of months ago, we had even been having pleasant conversations for hours.
While I felt crappy about all the above, my mom said that she sees things very differently. She said that my Ws reactions were over reaching. My mom often says "things arent always the way they appear". My mom recommended that I not worry that this was a bad thing.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
My friend, you have my utmost respect for standing for your marriage through all of this. Also the mature way you seem to handle this as evidenced by your posts sets a good example for all of us. I'm relatively early on in this whole MLC hell and cannot fathom hanging on for years as even months seems like an eternity to me. I will always love my W as well but wonder how long it will be before it becomes detrimental to my mental and even physical health.
Other than your faith, what has carried you through all these years? Seeing someone you love with someone else is hearth-wrenching, especially when you've been together this long (I've also been married 18 years). I'll pray for us both as we navigate these terrible currents.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
It hasn't been easy. I have to say that it has to be supernatural involvement that has carried me through this. I can't explain it any other way. Even my personality is such that I wouldn't be the sort to "wait" for anyone, especially someone who was disloyal and unfaithful.
In my heart, deep in my being, I feel as I am supposed to wait on God for something. I cannot explain why I feel this.
I am sorry you are going through this too. What has helped me with emotional stress is to keep busy with work, my kids, helping others through the church and hobbies. I learned to ride a motorcycle through all of this.
For maintaining physical well-being, going to the gym, running and I noticed that reading the bible keeps me motivated, believe it or not.
Thundarr, thank you for your prayers. I will do the same for you and your situation.
isn't for the timid and it isn't for the brave. It isn't for the weak and it isn't for the strong. It isn't for the martyr, the nervy, the needy, the self-sufficient and it isn't for the narcissist or the self-righteous.
Standing is sacrificial devotion and unconditional love. To your spouse? Yes and no. If you are a Christian, standing is really about your relationship with God. If God isn't first in everything in your life (and that is a hard place to get to and stay there), nothing else matters and nothing will get "fixed". The most significant problem most of us face here isn't the loss or the danger of losing our spouse, even though that is an awful scenario. The biggest problem we need to overcome is putting God above everything else.
Personally, while I would love to have the past five plus years never to have occurred, I still would prefer the issues with my wife and kids, rather than not learn to what it means to have a relationship with Jesus. It is amazing that the name Jesus is whispered in most circles. If you say anything positive about Jesus in many groups, you'd be immediately thought of as strange or someone that others feel uncomfortable around. I really don't know why.
Standing is really about standing for a promise made to God about your spouse. If we take in Old and New Testament verses, understanding what laws are still required and others that are no longer required because of grace, along with listening to what Jesus says about marriage and divorce and loving your spouse, we have no choice but to stand. Us men were told to love our spouse as He loved the church. What does that mean? Even though the church was unfaithful (adulterous), Jesus gave His life for "her". Divorces were granted before Jesus because of the hardness of the hearts of the people.
I am divorced but not of my own choosing. And the divorce is a legal divorce not a spiritual one. I do love my wife and I let her go. I do not chase her or have expectations of her. I am leaving this to God. And regardless what some people (who dont know me) think, that is not an easy thing to do. I am someone who takes charge of issues. If someone offended me, in the past, I addressed the situation right then. I didn't wait. Yes, I tried diplomatic means but if that didn't work, then they would know that it wouldn't end there. Maybe that was part of my problem in my marriage but actually it was a little of control and then too much giving in, if that is possible,
Standing. Who are you standing for? If it isn't God, first, how will you remain standing when your spouse hurts you in many unspeakable ways?
And something critical that I have learned. I cannot stand without God, at all. He is the One that has my back. He has the armor, not me. He is my strength. I have no strength without Him.
God = Standing
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Forward, was that a kind thing that you said about persisting in hanging around? How do you know that he is?
MLC is a strange thing, and to wait it out is not the same thing as hanging around - it can be but not necessarily. I suspect you would not like to be criticised for deciding not to stand. Nor would I do so.
I believe we should respect all decisions here that are taken sincerely, and not out of any kind of obvious desperation.
Beatrice, It appears that his X sees him as hanging around, and that is what matters.
This isn't about being so steadfast and "good" that eventually she'll see the light. If that is what MMF is waiting for, methinks he's got a long wait. That's because attraction is not rational. Continually available....well, is that attractive? Heck no. You tend to want someone who is a little out of reach--a little "bad," a bit of a challenge.
This creates a challenge for MMF, but I would discourage all involvement w/X. Create some space and mystery!
If you read stories of people who actually get apologies and interest from their X, most of the time the former spouse has indeed thoroughly GAL, did their homework on themselves, and really evaluated whether they want X back.
As far as dating...it's up to MMF, and you have to be careful not to hurt anyone, but perhaps the experience of meeting others would be good for him, would help clarify what he needs for the future. It would then be up to him to see if his X would a)come around and b) be able to be what HE needs.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
