PLEASE!!! Need help quick! Calling all vets!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you everyone. Sometimes I feel like such a fool for the way I feel and how I can get sucked in just because she seems to be her normal self every once in a while. Today has been kind of a downer too and I'm not sure why. Most of my friends had plans and I didn't do much of anything. I know that I have traveled a long way, but I just hate the setbacks that I have. I am almost 1 year post bomb and although it is easier, I still hurt like Hell.

just so I know I'm not confusing you with someone else, this is the same woman w/the crazy texting to you recently? Where she got mad about a gf from 6th grade? Don't forget that. I don't say that so you'll "hold onto your anger" but I do want you to hold onto reality and not get amnesia b/c she looks good and acted normal for 24 hours.

You're right 25. This is the same woman with the crazy texts. I need to remember that. However since then, she has also sent a text apologizing for hurting me. ???

Can we NOT discuss what you think she thinks about whether she notices your changes....???

Yeah.

You wanted her to delay the divorce stuff or you dreaded her doing it? I'm confused...

Delay the divorce. I asked her for a delay over a month ago and she told me that I wasn't "entitled" to ask for a delay. I haven't mentioned it since.

Tad, get a helmet on and screw it on straight. THINK THIS OUT...

are you telling us that if your wife --who was batchit crazy less than a month ago, --told you "ILY and Don't want a divorce"...that would be FINE with you??

All would be well??? Man you are not seeing the light here...you are choosing blindness.

It wouldn't be fine. It would be a step, but it would also be a very long road back.

I worry that your biggest problem of fear and conflict avoidance, REMAINS UNCHANGED---

It is better, but I suppose it is still there to a degree. I just am trying to be so careful not to p!ss her off in any way.

instead of pursuing her yet again-

read the text messages you two engaged in and remind yourself of why she's out of the house but your boys are with you...

and remind yourself of how much work you both have to do to have a healthy m again.

When she is ready you will know! She's no wall flower.

I know 25 and thank you. Even though they are harsh sometimes, I really do appreciate your words.

Many MLcers, and my xh did it in spades, do what I call 'Pass for normal' periodically. It is disorienting, because they seem a little like their old selves, and you suddenly think OMG perhaps it is me after all. The strain of being normal usually seems to provoke them to new heights of craziness shortly thereafter, so hold on to your seat on this one.

Exactly Beatrice! "Perhaps it is me afterall" is exactly what I think fairly often.

you seem like an awfully nice man, but could use a little more work.

Thank you.

Tad, really? Do you like getting hit with 2 X 4s? How many different ways can we keep saying the same thing to you? You've been at this long enough now that you know better than to even think about doing this, much less asking about it.

You're right Seeking. It was a weak moment when I saw the "old" or "normal" W for a little while. Like 25 said, I need to go back and read the crazy texts.

Can I ask if you have a boundary that if your W goes through with the D that that's it for you? That you will stop standing? That's OK if it is, your choice. There are MLCer's that have to have a D to complete their journey.

To be honest, I REALLY DON'T KNOW. I've got some thinking to do I guess. I've also been so afraid of moving on and then breaking her heart if she wants to start over someday. I DO NOT want to hurt her.

What's new with you? You've been at your job for a while now. How's that going? What have you been doing to GAL? How are your boys doing, aside from their R with their Mom? What kind of activities are they involved in?

Job is going well. I walk an average of 12-15 miles per day. Needless to say, I'm losing my "gut." I've been working a lot. I've gone on a few road trips, but nothing major. I'm still trying to get on my feet financially and find a different place to live. My boys seem to be doing well, but S18 (the one that wants nothing to do with her) told me last night that "I wish she would tell you that she wants to work on things. That would be an amazing Christmas present." Can't disagree with him on that.

Tad, I don't even think that what you saw was her passing for normal. Think about it. Isn't "normal" a loving wife who doesn't want a divorce? What you saw was the same divorce-seeking woman who just had her temper under control for a bit. That's all.

Thank you Antonia. I guess she wasn't "normal" just calm and cool.

I think you have a tendency to romanticize or idealize interactions with her, in that if she is simply cordial and makes basic small talk, that it is so different from the times that she's spewing, that you suddenly see her as showing some desire NOT to go through with the divorce and, by extension, this must mean she's leaning towards coming back. It's such a leap for you to make, but you make it every time--suddenly she looks good to you again, and suddenly you're wanting to talk about your relationship with her, and really, you don't have a relationship much at all right now.

You're right about this too. I guess that I am just looking for some "sign" from her. I guess, like everyone says, I will know when she wants to work on things. Everyone also says that the D will likely happen, but I am dreading it. We are down to 20 days...

She has so much to go through and to learn before she can ever be an equal partner in a relationship with you.

Yes she does....as do I.

Just something funny to share:

S16 told me that last weekend W said that she doesn't "cuss" at all anymore. 10 minutes later, she was throwing the F-word around like a sailor.

Take care.

Tad