Lets cut the guy some slack his world is upside down. I do agree with everyone that you are too angry right now. Cut the self righteousness and protect yourself and your family. Don't turn this into a fight separate and divorce but do it amicably.

She is doing all this because she knows she can. Because she sees him as a wimpish NG, and knows he will bend backwards for her because he wants every chance to save the M.

She is angry at him. Angry of his victim pukes (which we see constantly here). Angry of years of him using all "he does for the family" to manipulate people. Unlike other WAW's she hasn't shown one ounce of consideration, she point blank has told him she intends to drain him financially while she gets her degree and leave afterwards. She probably sees this as her right after putting up with years of his passive aggressiveness.

Remember "nice guys" are not so nice in the end, and you have shown that in flying colors.

Nice guys shy away from conflict, and instead express their anger in other ways. I can guarantee you she feels entitled to treat him like dirt.

I think the key here is to from now on stand up for your principles while using DB techniques to validate and diffuse.

"I understand you don't feel like you will ever love me again, I understand how I drove you to this. Believe me I don't want to be like that anymore, but what you are doing deeply hurts me, and I cannot live day by day living for you while you live for another I think it's best we end this here now, and separate our things by what is right by law."

Expect her to curse you and kick and scream, but just keep diffusing.

Protect yourself, last thing you need is for her to buy OM a new car with your dwindling assets.

While I too feel you are still WAY TOO ANGRY, and not working enough on yourself. I also think her blatant flaunting of this is too much. I feel this is more about her using this A as a weapon to get back at him for years of victim pukes. Sounds like in her anger she is willing to destroy him, herself and the children's future.

So here's my bullet points:

1. For the love of god change. DB, GAL, tell her calmly how you feel, no more stealth contracts no more passive agressiveness, meet your own needs so you can radiate positive energy. Trip her up by taking away her reasons to rage at you.

2. Time for her to wear the big girl pants. She wants financial support from you, and emotional and physical support from OM. Remember without anger and dispassionately let her know the current situation hurts you, and you cannot go on living like this. Don't say anything about your manly pride or whatever, just say it hurts too much, and follow through.

3. Take it slow: yes let her wear the big girl pants but don't toss her in the street. Maybe start by separating the accounts down the middle. Get someone in the bank to certify that it was truly 50/50. When she hits the roof, let her know that you are no longer a couple and that you will do what is fair and right since you two are separated under the same roof. Make sure you provide spousal support, and say that as long as you two are married you will help her and the kids by providing them with a "fair" amount of money. If she gets mad, say that you two are separated, and you need to think about your future. Give it a week or two for her to process this, then let her know you got a lawyer. Remind her it's not to take advantage of her, and that you will meet your duties, but you need to figure this out, because as we said the sitch just hurts too much. Give her some more time and then maybe even file. So and so forth. The key IMHO is to do this as amicably and gentlemanly as possible, "I'm sorry it has to be this way, but I can't leave with this much pain". Give her time to cool down, and think things through. Let her rage subside, so she can rationally think this through.

IF you do this calmly, and compassionately (not throw her out to the street), AND you yourself change there's is a small chance she'll realize that her husband is no longer a jerk, and is a great catch, and her actions are causing YOU to become WAS and leave HER.

I think the common case here is either

A. The WAW thinks the grass is greener on the other side and runs away. The LBS adds fertilizer to his side, WAW realizes it's not greener on the other side, and sees how nice her old side is now and comes back.

B. The WAW for her own reasons yearns the other side, so she secretly crosses over to see what it's like. (this is the WAW's that at least cover up their affairs) the LBS catches wind of this and makes his side greener, making the WAW decide to stay, sometimes the WAW gets caught and runs away and becomes a type A (as stated above).

Your W is trying to straddle both lawns.

In your case you STILL need to apply the fertilizer, which is what everyone here is trying to tell you!!! She has made up her mind that she will cross over to the other side, so let her know it's too painful to keep her here.

It's all about timing if you push her out kicking and screaming she will push back just out of spite. Gently and slowly cut her out of your life. Go dark in your own home if you have to, get out and do things, make time for you, have her watch the kids while YOU go out with the guys. Juggling the
Kids is part of single parenthood right?

When the issues come up, it's not because she chose the affair! It's because she feels the marriage will not work out. there's a big difference the affair is a symptom, of a failed marriage, she knows this, heck she probably feels you "forced" her to it. Make sure you understand this, as blaming her for the affair will just add fuel to the fire

It's not because of the affair, it's because she feels you two won't work out. Ok enough rant.