Treading water - time and patience

[OmegaZed]

Good work so far NYCPeter.

I think the best thing to take from these are the small positives like the fact that your W still comes home, she attempts to be loving towards you. Something is definitely brewing in her mind, and time will tell what that is.

[NYCPeter]

I agree - there are plenty of positives.
We are getting along very well and she has shown a lot more affection than she has for months.
It's our anniversary tomorrow - I've got her a card and a voucher for a massage at a local spa. I'll make dinner on Sunday night (W is working tomorrow) - nothing more special than I've done for other anniversaries.

[OmegaZed]

Keeping it simple is good. Happy anniversary and hope it all goes well.

[NYCPeter]

Boy was I wrong - Happy Anniversary to me.

There was I thinking everything was going better...

Get the 4x2's out....

I got W a card some flowers and voucher for a local spa - and left them out for her when she came home last night.
I fell asleep and know she came home after 3:00am.

Woke up this morning and went to play golf - when I get back she's a little distant with me.

No thank you or anything for the gifts - I'm like what's up, she says we need to talk.

What's the problem - she's finding it hard us living together and sharing a bed, she wants me to move out for "a while" and see how it goes. She says she doesn't love me and doesn't know if she ever will, that she's been forcing herself to show me affection.

I lost it - told her she was being selfish, that she's not thinking of the girls, that I am a good father and a good husband and that I deserve better, we have a wonderful family and a wonderful home and lifestyle and she's willing to throw it all away.

She says she can't "force herself" to be in this situation and that she's uncomfortable, and her therapist is suggesting it as an option.

So she goes to IC to break the marraige and we go to MC to try to resurrect the marraige.

I stormed out and am staying at a friend's house - I was supposed to look after the girls tonight but was too upset to hang around, she ended up calling her mum (I'm ashamed that I allowed that to happen).

I'll be here for a few nights until I can figure out my next steps are. I can only stay at my friend's place for a week at the most. Either I go back to the home and refuse to move out or find my own place, I certainly don't want to do the latter - but who wants to live with someone who doesn't want them there!

[25yearsmlc]

I have not read your whole sitch

and detest giving out advice that might not be in your interests.

Yet it's kind of settled here that YOU don't move out unless you have to, for YOU.

So slow that move out down. Get home, be the best man you can be and do your 180s and GAL (can't stress that enough)

and do NOT move out til you have seen a L and figured more things out...

If you must, tell your w that "it's just temporary while you find a place"..."you are saving money", "everyone is still adjusting", blah blah blah whatever, but get home.

With a disabled d, if it's bad CP, she's truly a fool to leave a good man.

I promise to read your thread before saying anymore.

But everyone deserves a hug...so

((( )))

[NYCPeter]

Thanks for the hugs.

Yest it's bad CP - she can't talk and can only walk with a walker. She smiles a lot and my girls are the light of my life.

She says she feels seperation is the only thing left that "might" work. I'm lost.

[NYCPeter]

So I plan on calling the house tomorrow to talk to my girls and then talk to my W. I plan on telling her the following :

1. Walking out yesterday was childish and I was wrong, to hear some things said on your anniversary is not a pleasant experience, but I should have risen above it and my primary responsibility is as a parent and I should be there for our girls regardless of the situation.

2. I will stop by the house on Tuesday night to see the girls and pick up some things.

3. I will be returning home on Friday - hopefully that will have given us both some breathing room to think things over a little.

4. I will not be moving out of the house - It's not in my or the girls best interests, we can't afford to maintain two places to live and I want to see as much of the girls as possible.

For the last two weeks we have been sleeping in the same bed (though nothing intimate) - what should I do when I return on Friday (my W will be working that night), just assume the previous sleeping arrangements are in place. If she says she would like me to move back to the spare room should I hold my ground?

[Telemark]

NYCPeter, I'm catching up to your story, but I do want to comment on your question about moving into the spare bedroom.

Don't.

I made that mistake when my W dropped the bomb. It shifted the control and power to her, and I was miserable.

Others here may disagree, but my opinion is that if the WAS or STBWAS wants a separation of any kind - whether it is sleeping arrangements or living arrangements - they need to do the heavy lifting. Let her move out of the bedroom. And do not move out of the house, especially with your D9's condition. She needs the stability of having a strong father in her life.

No more storming out of the house, either. It shows weakness and your W will prey on that.

I know how difficult it is to try to live under the same roof. My WAW and I did that for 5 months, and it was hell. I made so many mistakes during that time, and did not show her the strong confident man I should have. In hindsight, I don't know if anything would have made a difference because there was an OM involved, but I know I did not help my case by being so agreeable and soft. I'm not suggesting you be a bully, but do not be a doormat.

Focus on yourself and your D's. Let your W start to feel what life is like when she is not the center of attention in your house.

[NYCPeter]

We've been living but seperated for the last 4 months.
It's only in the last 2 weeks we've slept in the same bed.
I am definitely going back this Friday and I will sleep in our bed and see what she does when she comes home from work.

I am totally misreading the signals - I thought everything was going so well, but being intimate and sharing a bed was something she was "forcing" herself to do. She says I am a good husband and father - she just doesn't "feel it" for me anymore.

[Telemark]

Perhaps I missed the issue in one of the previous posts, and if so I apologize...but have you considered the presence of an OM?

I ask that only because your W's actions and comments sure point in that direction.