HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed - PART 2

[AloneAt35]

Its been ages since I've updated, but there is really very little to update.

I've moved to my own apartment. Its lonely and small (one room), but I survive. Our house is on the market, I miss it but that part of my life is over for good. I bought a CAR! Its a $2k P.O.S. but it gets me from here to there and my bike is in storage - no more riding down the highway for me (anyone remember that drama). I've started a new job - its very demanding. I've joined a divorce support group in my new area...it gets me out in the evenings twice a month. I just sit there and cry in the company of others for two hours...that can't be healthy? I still wish I had health insurance because I know I am deeply depressed. Some days I cannot lift my face to look at others.

I still miss ex-P; I still think about him all of the time. The OW and her child finally moved in to his new McMansion about a month ago. I don't hear from him anymore, except through the messages he CCed me on to our realtor when she was trying to get him to sign papers. Its been six and a half months since this all began, and he's out of my life for good. Almost twenty years gone in an instant. A whole life dismantled. I guess it really was all a lie all of these years.

Sometimes he'll pop up briefly, just to sound like he's still involved and checking in. Offered several weeks ago (out of the blue) to come over and fix my computer last week because OW was going out of town (it was broken when he left me). Of course, he later canceled with annoyance as though I had made the request of him. Very strange. None of this involved us speaking directly to one another. I have no contact with him except (if necessary) by email. Yet he still responds to every email by leaving me a voicemail - or two or three. I wish he would no do that because I am not interested in hearing his voice or the details of his happy new life (like "OW trusts me to babysit her child!!"...well she better, you all are a 'family' now.) It just rips the scab right off of my heart.

I wonder how he sleeps at night doing what he's done. I wonder how he looks in the mirror.

I've continued to lose a lot of weight. Its getting to be a problem now, so I'm working on that. I'm scraping by, paying my bills. If I look forward to doing this for any number of years I don't know how I will stay afloat.

I know the Lord will provide. The Lord will provide. Its been six months and the Lord provided a place to live, a job, and a car. I just wish the Lord would provide some therapy...OR SOME DIVINE JUSTICE!

Well, that's all I've got. I imagine that he will be married or expecting a baby with OW within the next few months. That was their plan, and they seem to be on schedule.

GOD, when are you coming with justice?