Saving the M and caring for a baby

[25yearsmlc]

dueinMay,
congrats on the 5k, you finished and thats whats important. next time you'll be quicker.

Well done May!

yes, there is a separation between his right to his feelings, and how he responds. keep this in mind and your dealings with him will be slightly easier.

when discussing this, be clear with him about the two. validate his right to his feelings, and tell him how he can improve his response for you. "i understand you're angry, but when you respond this way, i get hurt, angry and we cannot fix the problem"

nice insights

if you observe his family dynamic chances are he has been trained to get his way by responding like this. he probably got his way by throwing tantrums.

and i agree there is no true altruism, this is Ayn Rand's view which i absolutely agree with. every action we have, is to get something in return. (and yes, this applies to me being here)

I'm a huge Ayn Rand follower but I hope that people actually read her books, including "The Virtue of Selfishness" or they will misconstrue what it meant HERE... (or they won't get it)

she's easy to misconstrue b/c she's brilliant and many people cannot or will not read what she actually wrote

b/c the books are too long or too heavy and dense, requiring thought and concentration... so they intrepret her poorly and misquote/mischaracterize.

I can say It's in our interests to help others at times...not at our expense but b/c

we place a value on safe neighborhoods and civility and cooperation, for example. Morality is in our interests...wow, I'm about to get too into Rand for here...moving on!!



all our actions (and responses) are based on how we learned how to get our way. ..
with this in mind, a persons responses are not intrinsically wrong. (they may not be good for the relationship) but on an individual, purely self-serving level, the responses are what the person has learned or been taught, as a working method to get what they want.

so dont view him as an idiot, or insane, or wrong. he just never learned the proper responses for having a relationship with you. (and this is all related to the theory of love languages)

^^^ true

and i would guess that in the past, he probably got what he wanted with you by throwing tantrums. or by a less reactive method.

yikes...hmmm

so like you said, now its a matter of reprogramming. when a child throws a tantrum, you have to disengage. and your own reprogramming is the start.


great point!

as always, this is all about you. you cannot control nor change him, you cant make him stop throwing tantrums. you cant make him see anything.

but you can control your response and expectations which are the key to all your other emotions. eventually, he'll learn that tantrums dont work and then he'll adjust accordingly.

true and or, probably

and in my opinion, this is boundaries. which apply only to your expectations and responses. you set the boundaries on yourself, not on the other person.


I liken this ^^^ to states with jurisdictions May. Iowa doesn't tell NY what to do and Florida doesn't tell New Jersey to change their law on property ownership.

Similarly, we all have our own boundaries/jurisdictions or "sandboxes" -our choices/issues and our own baggage and free will, whichever metaphor works best for you.

You can't tell him how to run his state, but you can tell him about YOUR laws in YOUR state...there may be times when you two have to agree on where the border between states is though...

get a map?




i think its good you're not moving back in yet, but it sounds necessary. as long as its done to help you (and the relationship) and not to punish him. and that he understands this. it may have a negative affect on him.

^^^ be really clear here. Especially since he believed he had all the power in this.

I happen to think it's great he realizes he does NOT. And why would HE?

The roles of WAS and LBSer often shift subtly, but perceptibly [b]and I think it's a very good thing.[/b]

I believe (no "research," just my gut) that most successful reconciliations have this occur in there, somewhere.

((( )))