Saving the M and caring for a baby

[KenF]

dueinMay,
congrats on the 5k, you finished and thats whats important. next time you'll be quicker.

yes, there is a separation between his right to his feelings, and how he responds. keep this in mind and your dealings with him will be slightly easier.

when discussing this, be clear with him about the two. validate his right to his feelings, and tell him how he can improve his response for you. "i understand you're angry, but when you respond this way, i get hurt, angry and we cannot fix the problem"

if you observe his family dynamic chances are he has been trained to get his way by responding like this. he probably got his way by throwing tantrums.

and i agree there is no true altruism, this is Ayn Rand's view which i absolutely agree with. every action we have, is to get something in return. (and yes, this applies to me being here)

all our actions (and responses) are based on how we learned how to get our way. good responses, or screaming, anger, sex, flirting, passive aggressive, are all techniques to get what we want. and this includes how to prevent what we dont want.


with this in mind, a persons responses are not intrinsically wrong. (they may not be good for the relationship) but on an individual, purely self-serving level, the responses are what the person has learned or been taught, as a working method to get what they want.

so dont view him as an idiot, or insane, or wrong. he just never learned the proper responses for having a relationship with you. (and this is all related to the theory of love languages)

and i would guess that in the past, he probably got what he wanted with you by throwing tantrums. or by a less reactive method.


so like you said, now its a matter of reprogramming. when a child throws a tantrum, you have to disengage. and your own reprogramming is the start.

as always, this is all about you. you cannot control nor change him, you cant make him stop throwing tantrums. you cant make him see anything.

but you can control your response and expectations which are the key to all your other emotions. eventually, he'll learn that tantrums dont work and then he'll adjust accordingly.

and in my opinion, this is boundaries. which apply only to your expectations and responses. you set the boundaries on yourself, not on the other person.


i think its good you're not moving back in yet, but it sounds necessary. as long as its done to help you (and the relationship) and not to punish him. and that he understands this. it may have a negative affect on him.