Oh, and the rest of your post reminds me of something I read in a Gottman book (I love the work of John Gottman) - his assistant answered:
"....what the passage is saying, is that there are skills that can be taught for discussing these hot button issues that perpetually come up in relationships, but the skills alone will not save the relationship. It is also important for the couple to learn to discuss and understand each individual’s dreams, hopes, fears and/or past experiences that are attached to the “annoying” behavior. Once couples can come to an understanding of the motivation behind the behavior, they are better able to empathize and discuss without or with less anger about the behavior. I hope this answer helps."
