Ken, I'm so touched that you still come here to support me. I put a high value on your input.
I like your point on apologies. I remember once when I was child, there was a children's sermon that talked about how words are like toothpaste. Once it comes out, you really can't get it back into the tube, and you just have to deal with the mess.
I can agree that apologies can definitely be seen as a way to make the apologizer feel better and get "off the hook" as it were. It reminds me of the view out there that there is no such thing as true altruism. People do kind things for others because it makes them feel good, and is therefore self-serving.
I think me getting a better hold of my life (less driving, more time for me, more time for D, less financial dependence on H) will make me a better spouse because I can then focus on the M instead of struggling because I'm barely keeping my head above water.
I went to the apt complex yesterday. It's modest, but safe and family oriented. And 8 minutes from work. Oh that would be glorious. The only problem is that they only lease for 12 months. I'm going to talk to sister today and ask if she would be comfortable with a 12 month lease and see if she thinks she could potentially find another roommate if I were to move back in with H sooner than that. I was really looking for say, 3-6 months.
H is also very uncomfortable with 12 months. I told him I was going to talk to sister about it and let him know.
I made it clear to him that even if he asked me to move home today, I wouldn't do it. It seemed to surprise him. He asked why: M: Because I'm not ready. You piss me off too much** **I realize that HE does NOTHING to me, I choose to be affected by his behaviors.... H: Oh. Well, what could I do to make it better M: Just stop being such a d!ck. I feel like I have 2 children when I'm with you. Rather than being thankful that I made dinner for you the other night, all you did was complain about various things. Why can't you just be grateful I made you something? Something YOU asked for! H: I guess I'm just Asperger's or something.... M: Right.
But I think this was the first time he realized that I'm very unhappy with him as a person right now. I think he just thought that this situation was completely in his control. I don't think he had a clue that I would ever tell him no if he were to ask for me to come home.
I still enjoy him as a friend. Very much so. We're going to see Moneyball today (yea stats nerds). And he is still a wonderful daddy. But as a H, he is friggin exhausting.
This brings me to Ken's point on perspectives of catastrophic events. I loved your example of your D's toy breaking. Very appropriate. And while I can certainly appreciate that his viewpoint is just as valid and just as important as mine, the way in which we handle things is also important.
Example: One of my students usually buys lunch at school. For whatever reason, his parents want to send lunch now. So he doesn't need to go through the line. His is autistic and doesn't get this. So when we go to the cafeteria and we tell him to go directly to the table and sit, he has a meltdown. Even when we present him with his food, he has a meltdown. He wants to go through the line. He doesn't understand why we're breaking the routine. It's catastrophic to him. He cries, he screams, he hits the table and he runs away from me trying to go through the line.
I totally get why he is tripping out. I do. And it's valid. But screaming, running, and hitting is ridiculous.
I'm just over the ridiculous. I felt like H was throwing a classic bratty tantrum and does this on a pretty regular basis. I mean, no screaming and yelling, but he just gets very narrow minded and bullheaded when he's challenged. And just outright says mean, often untrue things.
He said something to me last night that he's never told me. He's always been on my a$$ about drinking sodas (honestly it was my only vice). I just always viewed it as one of his weird, controlling quirks. I know he personally doesn't like to drink it, and the way he presented the argument was that he thought it was "gross". So I just figured it was a personal preference that he didn't like (like me telling someone not to eat liver and onions because they gross me out). But last night was the first time he told me that he doesn't like me drinking soda because he thinks they're genuinely unhealthy for me and it concerns him. Like if I were to start smoking. He's concerned that it would hurt me. He never presented it to me like that.
I know he's not really strong on communication (I've actually IQ tested him on this... he was always my guinea pig in grad school). And this is usually why toddlers have temper tantrums. They can't communicate either. But we've got to figure something out for this issue without me being too "psychologist-y" (when I try to figure out what he's REALLY getting at, I often get accused of this).
I finally ran my 5k today. I was pleased with the time given that my leg cramped up and I had to walk about half of it. But I was just very proud of myself.
