Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

Finah,

Thank you for engaging with me on this.. I appreciate your thoughts as it is easy for me to get caught up in only my own interpretation of reality.

Lately I also wonder if the time that it takes me to compose these posts may be a window into myself and the effort I might be making to display only the most reasonable parts of me.

Outlining some of the progression of my thoughts is in a way a more intimate display of who I am at this moment, and may also highlight where I need to grow.

We just passed the 4 month mark on her walking out and saying "I want a divorce" in MC the next day. That is the "1 month for every year of M" point. But it is still only 4 months.

Why have I let her back in? I don't know that I ever kept her out. I am not pursuing her, but if she wants to communicate with me (which has been pretty rare) I am not going to refuse entirely.

I guess I look at it like this. There is nothing worse than a spouse betraying another spouse, just isn't, it's the worst thing you could do to someone besides perhaps severe emotional and physical abuse, regardless of what you did to her...But alas life is not fair. Let's assume that you two build a friendship, but she never totally understands what "she" inflicted on you. Meaning she never truly stood back and examined her true self. Can you live with that? I couldn't, not worth the pain, it may weaken to a dull, but it will still hurt a bit.

Yes, being cheated on sukks. But I've learned to take it a lot less personally over the past almost 6 months. I view it as largely a reflection on her and her integrity.

That she chooses to divorce me, well that is a little more dynamic and while it isn't the kind of stimulation I prefer - I'm grateful in some ways because it's opened my eyes to a lot, and helped me recognize a lot about myself that I wasn't really liking so much anymore.

Now how will she perceive that? You aren't saying you can't be friends, You aren't saying I'll never talk to you again. There needs to be a consequence for her, in my eyes, for all WW.

I think for me its a question of "what does that look like?" Because at the core of all of this is the question of does doing this lead me in the direction of the life I want to create for myself, or does it lead me into some kind of tar pit of maintaining emotional fusion while simply redefining the 'rules' of the relationship to accommodate her issues?

It seems to me that she is experiencing her own consequences in her own way already. The fact that she feels so unsure about what to do strikes me as a consequence.

I don't see it as my job to impose consequences on her - I used to view things this way - but if there are consequences coming from me, they will only be because its what is in my best interest.

I like your thoughts about the postcard - that is a good idea and I may indeed use it. I will be sure to announce it to the DB world (in red and green no less) if I do.

Thanks again, Finah.