Yesterday was another roller coaster ride. I didn't get up and fix breakfast and coffe yesterday morning because I had a migraine. I text him on his break and apologized for not getting up (this has been one complaint about our M). We text back and forth for a little bit and he opened up to me about work and how his day was going. I text him again on his last break just about stuff around the house.
He came home last night, and both of the kids were off with friends. We stood in the kitchen and talked for a little bit and then he went to sit at the dining room table. He sat in there in the dark, and he just looked so down. It was breaking my heart! He asked me a question, so I went to the dining room to sit with him. I couldn't take looking at the saddest. It was like it just oozed out of him. I got up and told him I was going to go soak in the tub. I kissed him on top of the head and said if you want to talk about anything you know I'm here for you.
That is when the flood gates opened. He told me that he was miserable with me being here. He said he didn't want to kick me out, but he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted his freedom to do whatever he wanted to do and not have to worry about anyone. I was trying to validate and just told him that I understood. I told him that I hadn't been trying to hold him back and there was only one time that I questioned him about his whereabouts and that was because he had me so worried. I found him passed out in this car at 4am. He said he knew I didn't have anywhere else to go, and he was concerned that I would sleep in my car. I told him not to worry about me, that I was a big girl and could take care of myself and I would be out no matter what by the end of next week.
He then told me that he really does care about me. I wanted to scream then act like it, but I didn't. I told him that I was not trying to make his life miserable, and I have been trying to make things easier for him. I reminded him that I have asked him several times in the last month if he wanted me to sleep in the spare bedroom and he told me no.
I told him that this hasn't been easy on me either. I sleep in a bed with a man I love, but am afraid to touch. I told him every morning when I walk him to the door all I want to do is give him a kiss goodbye, when I meet him at the door after work I want to give him a kiss hello. I want to tell him every day how much I love him. I want to go to bed at night and sleep in his arms again. I told him that I didn't want to move on with my life. I don't want anybody else but him.
I told him that if he didn't want me texting him through the day I would stop, I would start sleeping in the spare room, I wouldn't be around as much when it was his time to be with the kids. I would do whatever it took for him to not be as miserable with me here. He said none of that was necessary, and he enjoyed it.
I said I wanted to make him happy again, but he won't let me. He said he has tried, and I told him no he hasn't. That things were going really good for a while, and then all of the sudden he pulled back. I asked him what he was afraid of and he couldn't answer me.
I asked him what expectations he had of me as a wife that I had not fulfilled. He said if I tell you, you will say you are doing it now. I asked what it was and he said getting up with me in the morning. I told him that I have come to regret not doing that sooner, because once I started doing it, I realized that I enjoyed it very much. It was nice to sit in the dining room every morning and carry on a conversation with him without having to worry about the kids. When I don't do it, I really miss it all day long.
I told him that I regret not getting help sooner for my depression, and I was really worried about him being depressed. I told him that it breaks my heart to see him down. That he is usually a really fun guy to be around. He said he has started to wonder if he is bipolar or something (it does run in his family). I told him that I didn't know, but maybe he needed to go to the dr.
His mom called after that, and he had to go over there and do some things for her. I went to soak in the tub and then watched a movie. He was gone for a couple hours, and he came back acting like nothing happened. He was talking and joking with me, shared some chips with me, and laid down in bed holding me. We ended up getting intimate and it was great as always. Afterwards he allowed me to put my head on his chest until we fell alseep.
This morning we got up, and I fixed coffee while he got ready for work. We talked for a little bit and he told me he would be home by 7-8 tonight (he has never told me what time he will be home). He then started talking to me about work, and all the deadlines he has to meet in the next couple of weeks. He even showed me the projects he is working on. He got ready to leave and I walked him to the door as usual. He started to walk out, but stopped and turned around and kissed me goodbye.
He has me so confused. I was expecting to get up this morning to him being a complete jerk. Especially after I really opened up to him for the first time last night and let months of feelings come out. I even said something about finding boxes to start packing my things and he got this sad look in his eyes. I just wish I knew what was going on with him, and why this constant back and forth with him. Doesn't he see that it is hurting us both? And what about the kids? Can't he see that he is hurting them? They have gotten use to me being back in the house. We have actually started bonding again.
Maybe the detaching isn't working with him. Maybe I need to pursue him more. I was the one that pursued him in the beginning of our relationship. As a matter of fact, I was the one that proposed to him. I don't think he is ready to be out in public with me as his wife, but maybe I need to start acting more like a wife at home. Maybe I need to open up more to him, so he can feel like he can open up more to me. He has said that communication was the biggest problem in our marriage.
